I Don't Watch Looney Tunes Anymore
by kandicoloredclown
Summary: One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest AU. Story of Billy Bibbit after surviving, and being released from the hospital, his younger brother, Jason, and Jason's girlfriend, Anna.
1. Chapter 1

Anna had been living in a small room in Mrs. Bibbit's house ever since she had started college. She was studying art.

Anna was a pretty, petite girl with dark hair and, very large brown eyes from her Jewish heritage, and pale, creamy skin from her Scots-Irish heritage.

Anna was 19 years old. She was living with her boyfriend, Jason. Jason was Mrs. Bibbit's other son. Jason was two years older than Anna. They had met in elementary school, when Anna was six, and Jason was eight.

Jason was a late in life baby for Mrs. Bibbit. He was also going to art school, intending to be a comic book artist as he graduated. Jason was Mrs. Bibbit's favored son, as Mrs. Bibbit did not like Billy very much, though she pretended otherwise.

Jason had been practically raised for most of his life by Billy. Billy had been released from the institution when Jason was four years old. A year later, their father had died, and their mother had never remarried.

Jason and Billy had been very close, when Jason was little, but Jason had been starting to become embarrassed by him when he grew up. Not only because Billy stuttered, but mostly because he had been in a mental hospital and had tried to commit suicide five times.

When Anna was a child, Billy had stuttered more frequently, but over the years, Billy had learned to overcome his stutter. He did this frequently by looking directly into people's eyes, and frequently pointing his jaw in people's faces. This caused Jason very much embarrassment when he got older.

Anna was also put off by it, when she first came to live there. Anna had known Billy for a number of years by this point, but had not paid very much attention to him. However, when she moved in with Jason, she had become kind of put off by it. She wanted badly not to be, but she was.

Anna and Jason often like to watch sitcoms such as _One Day at a Time_ on his mother's TV downstairs. However, when Anna moved in, Billy would come downstairs and watch with them. He would often want to switch the show from _One Day at a Time _to _Bonanza_, a show that he and Jason had liked when Jason was little, but now that he was grown, Jason did not like it all that much anymore. One night, when they were watching _One Day at a Time_, Billy came downstairs, and said "It's the smiles that keep us going. The little giggles and bits of good cheer." He then walked away and said no more, going upstairs. Jason smiled, and looked at her. The more worried Anna looked where Billy was concerned, the happier it seemed to make Jason. Anna looked at him worriedly.

"What was that all about?" she said.

"Who knows?" Jason said. "You'd have to be crazy to understand it."

Billy also was very devoted to Flannery O'Connor, and talked about her work whenever he got the chance, in fact, sometimes contextual of nothing whatsoever. His favorite story of hers was _Wise Blood_.  
Billy began to come downstairs more and more frequently when Anna and Jason were watching television, and staying until they went to bed.

"He's not going to follow us up there, is he Jason?" Anna worried.

"No. Don't worry, he hasn't killed anyone since they released him."

Anna frowned. "Jason, that's not very nice." she said.

"Well, he didn't hear me, did he?"  
"No, but…I remember a time when you wouldn't ever have said a thing like that. I remember that you didn't even want me to come over and play when we were little, because you were worried that I would make fun of his stutter."

Jason denied that it had ever happened. Jason often told Anna that, when he was a child, he had made a career out of worrying about Billy, how the only time he'd ever had a girlfriend, she had turned out to be a whorish girl who had only wanted to borrow money from Billy, and how Billy, completely unaware of this, had proposed to her. The girl had laughed in his face, even though Billy had hoped with all his heart that she'd say yes. At ten years old, Jason had hoped this with all his heart, too, because then Billy would have a wife, and children of his own, and would thusly be able to stop smothering him, which Jason complained of constantly, even at twenty-one.

Billy often wore a tweed coat when he went out, and another night, Billy came downstairs, and said, apropos of nothing, "You know, some nights I dream about being buried in this tweed coat." There was an awkward silence. Anna began to be really put off by him at this point.

So much so that Anna and Jason were coming back from an evening out, and Anna said,

"Jason, I'm really scared we'll see the "Tweed Coat Killer" tonight."

The words were just out of her mouth when, she saw Billy behind her., much to Jason's delighted amusement. There was another awkward silence, one of many that seemed to occur when Billy was around.

But Billy just smiled at her, a tight-lipped smile, and said, "Lots of room in this tweed coat for knives, and other implements. He looked at her pointedly, which became quite a literal term where Billy was concerned, given the shape of his face.

When this happened, Anna felt very bad about the incident, but Billy seemed to shrug it off, though there was a definite decline in his joining them to watch television. But gradually, he started joining them again and again.

Jason worked at a comic book store, and frequently he would work late nights. Anna would come home early, and would often find herself alone with Billy.

"Billy," Anna said. "I'm very sorry about what I said. About the tweed coat killer thing. It was just a joke."

"I laughed, didn't I?" said Billy.

"Yeah, but…I just sensed that you might have been hurt by it, that's all. You don't come downstairs anymore and watch TV with us."  
"I was hurt by it," said Billy. "but I laughed anyway."  
"Oh." Anna said. "Why?"  
"Well…I thought you'd like me better if I did. When we were in group once-

"Group?" Anna said.

"Therapy. I was in the hospital. When I was young."  
Anna had known this, and known what he meant by group, but she had decided not to let on. Also, something bothered her about someone who would so casually refer to a group therapy session as though they were talking about a college class.

"The guys would laugh at me all the time. And I didn't like it. But I laughed, too. Because I wanted to fit in."

"Oh." Anna felt a strange sadness.

"You should watch what you say to someone. That person might hold it against you for the rest of their lives. You never know." said Billy.

"I hope not the rest of our _lives_." Anna said. She bit her lip.

"Well, Anna," said Billy. "I realized it wasn't you who came up with it."  
"It wasn't?" said Anna.

"No," said Billy. "it wasn't." Billy widened his eyes, as he had a way of doing, looking directly into Anna's, as if there could be no disagreement.

"It was Jason." said Billy. "He's got a lot of resentment in him of me. I don't hold it against him, though. He was the sweetest little boy you'd ever want to know. He used to call me "Porky Pig" when he was little. Because of my stutter, he thought that I was him."  
Anna bit her lip, and smiled. "That's very sweet."

"He was a sweet little kid. My mother, as you may know, has it in for me, and she'd often call me a worm. She did it in front of Jason, when he was four. Jason said 'He isn't a worm, Mommy, he's Porky Pig.'" Billy looked at her, worriedly, for a minute. "I…never…loved the little guy more than that moment." he said.

Anna felt the urge to hug Billy then, but suppressed it, because she knew Jason wouldn't like it.

"Well, he still loves you a lot." Anna said.

"I know that, Anna." said Billy.

Anna was hesitant in saying this, but she went ahead. "But….in case you hadn't noticed, Jason is not a little boy anymore. He wishes you would treat him as the adult he is. Jason feels-"

"Who made him feel that way, anyway?" Billy said, a frown crossing his face, causing the two lines between his eyes to come together, making his woolly eyebrows look positively frightening, which gave Anna pause.

"I just think-

"Well, who cares what you think, and just who are you to be dispensing advice about my brother? Our relationship is none of your business at all." He started out of the room. Anna was stunned. "Billy-

Billy walked toward Anna again. "He _never_," Billy said, pointing his finger in her direction, and gesturing towards her several times. "got all these ideas about leaving, until he started getting serious about dating you." His blue eyes now looked so wide that Anna was afraid that they would pop straight out of his head like some demented cartoon. Anna said nothing, seriously afraid now, that this person that she had known all her life might cause her harm, even though in her heart, Anna knew better. Billy bit his lip, and Anna realized it was hurt that she saw in his eyes rather than anger.

"Billy, if you could talk to Jason-

Billy looked down, and walked out of the room, keeping his head down. Anna felt terrible, even though she knew from this that Billy was to some degree emotionally disturbed.

After that, Anna began to notice Billy acting very strangely. For instance, he when he passed by her, in the hallway of the house, she thought she heard muttering about "bossing around my family" and "turning my little brother against me," coupled with aphorisms that "The Chief" had supposedly said." But Anna was positive that this could not be. Could it, she thought.

Anna and Jason liked to watch MTV, and Billy, since he was not of their generation, did not. Jason and Billy liked to watch old TV shows from the sixties when Jason was little, but now that Anna and Jason were both adults, they liked different programming. Jason had problems with Billy always being downstairs at all, which he always was. He always wanted to watch programs such as _Bonanza_.

"Billy, we might want to watch MTV some night. Really, we might rather see newer programming, right Jason?" Anna looked at Jason expectantly.

Jason said nothing, but the smirk on his face told her he was enjoying this moment of forcing her to speak up, greatly.

"Jason?" Anna said, annoyed.

"Uh, yeah, Anna. Sure." Jason said.

"I tell you," said Billy. "the Chief always said 'The power of suggestion is very strong.'."

Anna was greatly irritated. "You know, unless this man was a real Native American chief, which you don't see very many of nowadays, calling him that is purely insensitive not only to Native American culture, but also to the hardships which Native Americans have suffered." She looked at Billy pointedly.

"Native Americans?" Billy said. "Well, hell, when I was growing up, we called them 'Indians'. Right, Jason?" Billy looked at Jason expectantly. His protruding eyes were gleaming with bemusement. Jason's eyes were, too, but Anna doubted it was over what Billy had said. There was kind of a mean spirited bemusement in Jason's eyes, though he was at the moment pretending to be neutral, even on Billy's side, Anna knew from experience that he was actually trying to pit the two of them against each other, due to his extreme jealousy, and also his resentment of the way Billy bossed him around.

"Well, Billy," said Jason. "the truth is that, it uh, is the nineties. Generally, we do call them Native Americans. Except maybe for football teams, 'Native Americans' is the preferred term."

"And that is a very, very insensitive practice, to call a brutal, barbaric Anglo-Saxon sport, after a mistaken name that was given by a tribe of greedy, misogynistic European explorers just because they thought that they were on the other side of the world. Yes, Indians is pejorative term." Anna looked at Billy with the great self-satisfaction she felt at the moment.

"Jason," Billy said. "I seem to remember that you didn't have anything against calling them Indians before. You and I used to joke around all the time, and say things that the PC police wouldn't approve of. I remember that quite well."  
"Yeah, well-

"Oh, yeah?" Anna said, now very angry. "What did you say about Jewish people, then?" She glowered at Billy, fury in her eyes.

"Oh, quit being such an uppity lil' witch, Anna." said Billy.

Anna was infuriated. "What did you call me?"

"A witch is a woman that tries to boss a man around. Jason, this little witch has got you under her spell. Soon she'll have you singing "Kumbayah" and wearing love beads, and passing out literature-

"You backwoods mental patient!" Anna exclaimed.

Anna felt very bad, especially when she saw the stricken look on Billy's face. There was a protracted silence. Anna looked in the other direction, hoping that she was reading wrong that out of the corner of her eye, she saw Billy struggling not to cry. This made Anna feel like crying as well.

"And to think," Billy said. "that I knew you when you were just a lil' girl."

"Well," Anna said, trying as best she could to lighten the moment. "I did call myself Lil, but I was otherwise known as Nancy." She looked at Billy, eyes wide with hope that he would laugh. Finally, he did. But he looked at Anna very seriously.

"You don't know me," he told her, "if you think that I'm that way. A bigot."

"I know…I just lost it. My own prejudices against you caused me to think that you were."  
"I used to be just like you when I was your age." said Billy. "But I learned that if you're too uptight about these things, people won't take you seriously. If something like 'Indians' is said with prejudice in your heart, and not affection, then it becomes offensive."  
Jason cleared his throat. "Uh, Bill, if Anna and I want to hear homespun wisdom, we'll watch _The Andy Griffith Show_, okay?"

Billy smiled at Jason. "Well, you can go there if you want to hear coldly _contrived_ bits of wisdom, but if you want to hear true wisdom, out of the sincerity of someone's heart, you can listen to me, right Anna?"  
Anna smiled. "That's right." she said. "Jason, you should listen to your brother. He's very wise, in fact, he's got wise-

"Yeah, I'm sure blood is involved here in some way. Listen, Billy, this is my girlfriend, and her time with me. We would both appreciate it a great deal if you'd-

"Jason!" said Anna. "Billy can be here if he wants to be here. It's his house, too."  
"Actually, it's our _mother's_ house." said Jason, looking at Billy pointedly.

Billy flinched slightly. Anna felt bad, knowing that this was a terribly low blow, what with the way Billy felt about their mother.

"W-w-well, J-J—

Anna felt stricken. "Billy, Jason was just kidding. He likes you here. He's just feeling a lot of pressure, what with work at the store, and-

Anna saw Jason roll his eyes, and shake his head. Billy, his lips pressed tightly together, got up slowly, and left the room. He started up the stairs.

"Jason, how could you? You made him stutter again."

"Well, he's always saying he doesn't like people who aren't 'true', so…I was just telling the truth."  
"No, you weren't."  
"I was too. This is our mother's house, isn't it?"  
"You _know _how he feels about her. Jason, how could you?"

Jason shook his head.

"Jason, Billy has been like a father to you."  
"Oh, please, Anna. Give me a break. The only reason our mother and I let him live here is because we're afraid of what he'll do if he doesn't.'"

"That isn't true, and if it is, your mother should be ashamed of herself, saying things like that."  
"Who said she said it? Believe me, I've got plenty to say about Bill. He is a backwoods mental patient. He's as backwoods and as mental patient as you get."

"Jason Bibbit, I'm ashamed of you, saying-

"Oh for Pete's sake, Anna. Are you trying be the mother supposedly never had now? Well, I've got news for you. I _had _a father. He died when I was a kid, but I remember him. Nobody asked Billy to take over in the 'father' role of my life. Certainly not my mother."

"But Jason, Billy loves you a lot. He's just trying to help you, is all."  
"Listen, Anna, that backwoods son of a bitch doesn't even care about me. You know why he's hovering down here all the time, planting himself wherever we are? He likes you, that's why. You know how he gets that ridiculous, sappy look in his eyes whenever he's around you?"

"That's absurd. And you shouldn't call him backwoods. I only said that because I was angry at him. Actually, Billy is very urbane."  
"Urbane? Urbane? Damnit, Anna, don't tell me. You've got a crush on him, don't you?"  
"What, don't be ridiculous, Jason, I-

"Yes you do. That middle-aged loser, old enough to be your father?"  
"Jason! That's your brother."  
"You want to sleep with him, Anna?" Jason said. "I'm pretty sure he hasn't been there in a decade or more, but I'm sure the creepy pervert would do it."  
"That's enough."  
"No, I'm serious. Get it out of your system. You want me to call him in here?"  
"That's disgusting."  
"Not as disgusting as your feelings for a forty year old man."  
"Don't be ridiculous. I don't have such feelings for Billy. He's like a beloved uncle to me, is all."  
"Well, Anna," Jason said. "I'm not too sure about that. Not at all. I think you're really hot for Billy."  
Anna laughed scornfully. "Yes, I've got a thing for making the lower part of your jaw jut out." Anna said, pantomiming with her own.

"Well, you are very specific." said a voice from behind her, and Anna was mortified to see Billy standing behind her.

Anna looked terrified. "Billy, I…was just talking about…I was just kidding."  
"I can't imagine who you'd be talking about, Anna." said Billy.

"Oh, we were just being silly. Jason has a demented sense of humor, right Jason. He actually accused me of liking you. Which is ridiculous, right Jason? And he accused you of having feelings for me. Which is even more absurd, why I was telling Jason, you're just like an uncle to me." She looked at Jason, flustered.

"Oh, of course. Just like a niece." said Billy. "Little Anna is just like a niece to me."

"See, Jason?" Anna said. "Billy, I really wish that you wouldn't call me-

"Of course, you do know how we 'backwoods' folks think of our nieces." said Billy.

Anna looked at him with wide eyes.

"Of course, I'm kidding. Anna really is just like a…uh, niece to me. How could I have feelings for her when I've known her since she was that cute little girl, Jason? Don't be absurd." He looked embarrassed for a moment. "I remember, I took you and Jason to the movies when you were nine and Jason was eleven. Do you remember, that, Jason?"

"Uh…yeah, Billy. I guess so." Jason looked, as he usually did around Billy, a combination of exasperation and barely controlled contemptuous laughter.

"Well, Anna," said Billy. "the truth is, that Jason's not eleven anymore. He's not even sixteen. He's got ideas, and I've got other ideas. About how things should be done."

Jason sighed. "Billy-

"And," Billy continued. "Jason may feel that I…always want him to stay here, and…be a kid, I guess. But I know he's grown. I just want him to be…my…friend, still. I'll always…always have his best interests at heart, but I know…he's capable of making his own decisions. So I…only want us to be able to commiserate like we used to, Jason."  
Anna looked at Jason. Most of the contemptuous laughter was gone from his face, replaced by ever-present exasperation. And embarrassment.

"Well, uh…the truth is, Billy…I don't see how that can ever be. You see, I'm…I have a girlfriend. And. a job. And friends. My own age. Who haven't been…I mean….who have similar…." Jason sighed.

"That's pretty ungrateful, Jason." Billy said. Anna saw pain flash through his eyes.

"Ungrateful for what, Bill?" Jason said.

"For how much time I've devoted to taking care of you. For how…Jason, I could have left anytime I wanted to. But I didn't. Because of you. Because…you were my little brother, and I didn't want to leave you alone here. With her. Because she turned me into…a middle-aged loser, like you said, and-

"Oh, for Pete's sake." Jason said.

"No, it's okay. Being raised around her handicapped me in some way…and well, I didn't want you to turn out like me. So if she had someone else to focus on…me….maybe she'd be a half-decent mother to you. And she was. Look how you turned out. You're almost through with college, we've always…let you achieve what you wanted to do, even if we disagreed. You think our mother would have encouraged me to be a comic book artist if I'd said I wanted to be one? No. But she encouraged you. And that's ok. Okay by me, because the only thing I ever agreed with our mom on was that you were a great kid."

Jason sighed. "Yeah. Okay. Well, that's very noble and self-sacrificing of you, and all, but-

"Thank you. I know, it was. But it is true." said Billy.

"You know, nobody asked you to give up your life for me." said Jason.

"What life? But, you know what, you're right nobody asked me to, I did it because I love you, and because you were my little brother, and because…" his voice dissolved for a minute. "Because you called me Porky Pig. And you thought I was Porky, and-

There was no laughter whatsoever on Jason's face now, just exasperation, and a kind of terrified worry. Anna felt bad for Jason as well as Billy, as she could see that look might have appeared many times on the face of a concerned boy, who had gone through a great amount of stress worrying about the instability of his often childlike older brother. But Jason was no longer that little boy, and so, it was with great coldness, and a tone of indifference that he said, "Well, I don't watch Looney Tunes anymore."


	2. Chapter 2

Anna felt uncomfortable around Billy after awhile. Jason pretended that he thought Billy might be out for revenge against him, since they'd had many struggles, as Jason put it, but the truth was that the struggles mostly consisted of Billy pleading with Jason to listen to him, and Jason sitting there looking like he'd rather be any conceivable place but there.

Jason had already graduated from college, and Anna had only one year to go. Once she graduated, she and Jason intended to go to New York, where Jason would pursue his goal, which was to work as a comic book artist. Anna had a background in art, as her stepmother, Delia, was a sculpture artist of some renown, in San Francisco, where they lived. As far as a career goal in art, she was undecided. Although she was good, she felt that she had no particular great talent, or interest in any one area.

Anna felt uncomfortable around Billy, most of all because, she and Jason knew that he would not take the news of their planned move to New York well. Billy was very, very old-fashioned, and believed that New York City was a filthy, immoral place, and that surely Jason and Anna would meet their doom there.

"I know that's what he'd say." Jason said.

"Oh, Jason. Why would you say that?" said Anna.

"Because that's what crazy people always say." said Jason.

"Billy isn't crazy."  
"Oh, come off it. You and I both know he is. He'll never let me go anywhere without a fight that I'm not sure we'll recover from."

"He'll come to forgive you in time, Jason."

"I'm not worried about his forgiveness. What I'm worried about is that he'll…you know. Again."

"Jason, he hasn't attempted suicide since you were…three. Before you even knew him."  
"So what? He says that he never will again. But suicidal people always relapse, Anna."  
"I don't believe that's true. He can live without you, Jason. He's just overprotective."  
"You don't say. I remember when I was a little kid, he would hide all the knives in the house, even the plastic butter knives."  
"Why?"  
"Well…that was after….he'd told me about…you know. The scar."

"Oh.  
"At first, he'd tell me that a mean, vicious man did it. Slit his throat. I asked what happened to the man. He said he died. So I got scared, thought that the man's ghost might be hanging around. So then Bill told me that he was the mean vicious man. He admitted he'd done it to himself."  
"Oh. Gosh." Anna had seen the scar, but she'd never really thought about what it implied, or knew the story behind it, until now. She felt disturbed.  
"Then he just went crazy, was hovering over me, sleeping in bed with me, following me everywhere, just not letting up. He was thinking I'd want to slit my own throat, just because he did it. He really has an inflated opinion of himself."  
"He was just worried about you, Jason. And he was twenty-four. His thinking wasn't as clear as it would be on how to deal with a small child."

"Well, he shouldn't have mentioned it, then. I never asked about the scar. I never would have noticed it when I was five. He should have just shut the hell up about it. He just feels an insane urge to blab about his suicidal tendencies. He's so crazy, he probably thought I was looking at his scar."

"I'm sure he feels pretty self-conscious about it, Jason."  
"Now you're starting to sound just like him. Always talking about how he feels., about how I should feel, about "the sincerity of his heart"."  
"Well, he was a hippie at one time, Jason. And my parents and Delia were hippies, so maybe we're on the same wavelength."  
"That's right, parents. Never forget, he's as old as your parents, Anna."  
"Oh, I hope you're not starting that jealousy junk again. Now you're the one who sounds crazy." She paused. "You know, you hurt Billy with your attitude. He just wants to have a rapport with you again, and you freeze him out."  
"Yeah, well, it doesn't stop him from planting himself downstairs wherever we are."  
One evening, Billy was doing just that, it seemed, sitting on the couch, when Anna approached him.

"Well" she said. "Are we going to hear from the chief tonight?"

Billy looked at her. "Well, the chief always said, "You don't suck out of the bottle, it sucks out of you.'"

Anna had heard that one many times from Billy.

"Good advice for someone attending college, don't you think?" Billy said.

"I suppose." Anna said. "But not for a couple who's enjoying a quiet glass of wine together at home." She and Jason had been engaged in just such an activity once when Billy had come up behind them, sharing this particular wisdom of the chief.

"Well, you see, Anna, the bottle, doesn't have to be a whiskey bottle. It could be a wine bottle. I'm only trying to school the two of you. Like the song goes, you know."  
"I see." Anna said. She looked at him seriously. "You really want to dispense advice to young people like us, don't you?"

"Yes ma'am, and what wrong with that?" said Billy. He lit a cigarette.

"Oh, so that cigarette is okay, then, but not if Jason and I want to enjoy a small glass of wine?"

"Well….cigarettes are less harmful than wine."  
"Everybody but that pesky medical science agrees with you. Darn facts. Always getting in the way."

"Well, we used to smoke them all the time in the loony bin. We'd trade them for cards, you know. It was a great time."

"I see."

"But that doesn't mean that you should do it. You're right. It is bad for you."  
"Well, I smoke. But still, when I see hypocrisy, it just irritates me."  
"Now just a minute. It's not hypocrisy. I have been accused of many things in my life, young lady, but hypocrisy is not one of them. I never said smoking was an okay thing to do. I said wine is a dangerous thing to play around with. Remember what the chief said."  
"You really don't need to call me 'young lady' all the time. But see, that's the thing. Jason and I are adults. We know what's right and what's wrong, and whether you say smoking is wrong or not, we still have our own take on it."  
"I used to be a lot like you when I was your age. I thought I knew all the answers. I thought everyone older was the oppressor."  
"I see. Well, Jason is always saying I sound like you."  
He looked at her. "Maybe we're a lot alike. Kindred spirits, you know."  
"Why do you say that?"  
"Maybe you're…lonely. As a kid, you were always hanging around here when your mother was working."

"Well..I liked Jason." Anna's mother had been a party girl, who among other things, owned a bakery, and had had a string of boyfriends, some of them abusive. When she was ten, everything had changed, however. Anna's mother had had a sudden conversion back to Catholicism, the religion she'd grown up with. She had forced Anna to go to Catholic school, an experience Anna had hated. She had been desperate to cling to her friendship with Jason, which was the only thing that had mattered to her during that bad time.

"Besides," said Anna. "I couldn't get enough of the chief's wisdom." She smiled at Billy.

He smiled back.

"But," Anna said. "you don't always have to trot out the Chief's wisdom every time you talk to us. You know, I can give advice, too, and I'd advise you to tone down the wisdom-imparting, and just talk to Jason like an adult."  
"So you keep saying. But I'm telling you, I know how to deal with my younger brother. You see, I'm the bull-goose loony around here. When I was in the hospital, I was second in line to being the bull-goose loony. But now, through years of experience and hardship, I've learned enough to be the boss around here."  
"Boss?" said Anna. "I don't think so, buddy."  
"Well, I'm just kidding, of course. But I think you'll agree that if anyone deserves to be the bull-goose loony around here, it's me."

"Oh, yes." said Anna. "I do. I really do."

"See, I know what you're doing. But it won't fly. That's assuming _all _of us are crazy. I have seniority around here is what I'm saying."  
"Well…maybe it would be best if you didn't go around asserting your seniority around Jason. I don't think he likes it too much."  
"Well, Jason and I have our differences. But we'll always be good friends. What we have is camaraderie. Solidarity, you see."  
"I know." Anna said. "You'll always be brothers. But maybe…you should realize that Jason has a mind of his own. Even as children, you know, people have minds of their own. And…some things…are not what children should hear." She looked at the scar on his throat, feeling terribly ill at ease.

"What are you getting at, Anna?" said Billy.

"You must know." Anna said hurriedly, flushing.

"No, I don't know."

"Well…some things…are hard on us…to think about. Scary. And…" She looked at the scar again. "How did you get that…that scar? On your throat?" She swallowed. Billy flinched, and then shrunk away from her, into a corner of the couch.

"Man, Jason's been telling you all kinds of things, hasn't he?" said Billy finally. He looked up at her.

"No, not really. He just said…he never would have noticed it, if you hadn't brought it to his attention."

"I see." Billy said. "Well, what, may I ask does that have to do with you?"

"Nothing, really. You're right. I'm being very presumptuous, telling you how you should talk to your brother. I shouldn't do it. It's just…just…well, I…it wasn't really him I was worried about."  
"It wasn't?" said Billy.

"No." said Anna. "It was me. I….forgive me, but I want to know….why did you…"  
"Well, it's no mystery, Anna." said Billy. "A mean, vicious man cut me."  
"Oh." Anna said. "Did they catch him?"  
"Yes they did. They locked him up, too. But he was smart. He did it again."  
"He got out?"  
"No, he did it right in the hospital. The wrists, this time."

"You weren't smart enough to stay away from him, even after he cut your throat?"  
"I sure wasn't."  
"What happened to him?"  
"He died."  
"He's really dead?"  
"Really and truly dead. He's been dead all these years."

"I see." said Anna. "Billy, I'm not really sure that that's-"

"That's exactly what happened. The man who slit my throat died, all these years ago, it took awhile for me to have the courage to kill him, but I did."

"Okay." said Anna.

"When I was your age, a little younger, actually, I was into the counterculture."  
"I know." said Anna. "Jason and I were just talking about it yesterday."

"Well," said Billy. "I did a lot of things I shouldn't have done. But when I was nineteen, I saw _Easy Rider_ at the theater. There was this girl-

"Celia?"  
"No, not Celia. She came later. This girl's name was Rosie. She had beautiful red hair. She had a boyfriend, Charlie. We were all friends."  
"But you wanted to be more with Rosie." Anna said.

"I did. But that's another story. Anyway, after the three of us saw the movie, we all dropped acid-

"My parents did that, too."  
"You know, maybe you shouldn't keep saying your parents did the same things I did. It makes me feel old compared to you."

"Sorry. But I thought you wanted to be a parent to me and Jason."  
"Oh, come off it. I meant that I wanted to be a role model to you. Not to be equated with a parent of yours. Anyway, we all dropped acid. And after we saw the movie, I had a…well, it was just a hallucination. But I kept seeing this actor we saw in the movie-

"Peter Fonda?" Anna said. It was a joke, of course. She didn't have to guess which one. She already knew the answer all too well, from Jason, who Billy kept insisting looked like this actor. Jason was all too glad to believe he did, but Billy took it seriously. Billy had been, for some years, obsessed with Jack Nicholson. At least, that was how Jason would always put it. The movie that Billy had taken Jason and Anna to had been _The Shining_.

"No, of course not. It was Jack Nicholson. And…well, he kept talking about my mother. How I should stand up to her. And he kept talking about other things, too. He kept saying something about pulling a water fountain out of the floor."

"Water fountain?"  
"It's a symbol. A symbol of pulling the establishment up by the roots. It's a sixties thing."  
"Okay."

"But he kept saying how I should be out bird dogging chicks in a convertible. And how I should stop stuttering, it was just psychological." Billy looked down at the floor. Anna was afraid to say anything at this moment.

"Jack Nicholson said this." she said finally.

"Well, it was a hallucination brought on by LSD. But yes."  
"Well, we all have dreams." said Anna. "and sometimes our dreams, or acid trips, as it were, can be about celebrities."

"Yes, I suppose so. But his name wasn't Jack Nicholson. In the hallucination, he told me his name."  
"What was it?"  
"McMurphy. Randle Patrick McMurphy."  
"Interesting." said Anna.

"Yes, well. It obviously came from somewhere in my mind. A random combination of words. I knew this. I wasn't that crazy, you see. I knew it wasn't real."  
"Ok."  
"But, Anna, I know it sounds like something a crazy person would come up with to you. But a few months later, I went to the asylum. Because of Celia. Not because of her, really. Because of me. I tried to kill myself. And…it was lonely there. I didn't have any friends. This wasn't new. I'd never been the type that fits in. So….sometimes…when it got lonely at the asylum, I'd imagine he was there."  
"Jack Nicholson."  
"Not Jack Nicholson. McMurphy. R.P. McMurphy. I had a whole backstory for him. I imagined he was a patient in the hospital. I imagine he wasn't really crazy, but he'd gotten mixed up with a bad woman that tricked him. I had gone crazy over a woman, see, Celia, so we had that in common. It was lonely in the asylum, so I'd sometimes imagine he was there talking to me. We'd have long conversations, while the other patients played cards. But he told me….that I should join them. So, eventually, I did. And I made friends. But sometimes, when things got to be too much for, me, I'd still imagine him there.

"Wow."  
"One time, there was this nurse there. She asked me if I'd like to start the meeting. I responded verbally, and stuttered. She said 'Billy, next time, why don't you just nod? This is only an hour session.'"  
"That's terrible." Anna said.

"I know. I imagined what Jack Nicholson in the form of McMurphy would say to her."  
"And did you say it?"  
"No."  
"You should have."

"You think I'm schizophrenic, don't you? But that wasn't it. I knew he wasn't there. I knew he didn't exist."  
"I understand, Bill." said Anna. "He was an imaginary friend. I had one when I was little, too. He was like Jack Nicholson, a little."  
"You did? What was his name?"  
Anna shook her head. "It's private."  
"Was he based on Jack Nicholson?"  
Anna felt a bit uncomfortable, discussing imaginary friends, especially since she had been six when she had hers, and Billy had been nineteen.

"No. He wasn't."

"Well. Anyway, Dr. Spivey, my psychiatrist, said that it wasn't a bad thing, that it was in fact perfectly healthy, as long as I realized it wasn't real."  
"What happened to him?"  
"Well, I finally outgrew him. I really didn't want to be a grown man with an imaginary friend."  
"That's good."

"But I still wanted to be like him. Jack Nicholson. By the time I got out, I had seen _The Last Detail_ and _Chinatown_. They took us out for recreational activities, you see."

"Oh."  
"I thought emulating him would help me get rid of my stutter. And my shyness. So I tried to."  
"Did it help."  
"Sort of. But I really can't do it. I can't be like him. And I sure as hell can't rip the water fountain out of the floor."  
"I don't think anybody could."  
"The chief could."  
"Oh, no. Not the chief again."  
"The chief was as big as a mountain. He could do as he pleased. At least that's what most people thought. But being big enough to leave the institution has nothing to do with physical size."  
"You're right."  
"But I just can't emulate him. No matter how much of a false bravado I put on, I never feel very big." Two concave frown lines appeared between his eyes, making him appear startlingly vulnerable, which made Anna want to hug him. But she again realized that Jason wouldn't like it.

"Well," said Anna. "maybe you weren't meant to be. Big. Maybe you're better off being you, and not trying to emulate anyone else."

"Yeah…well, the thing is, I don't need an imaginary friend. I have a real one. Jason."  
"Yeah." said Anna. She felt very bad suddenly. Sad. Heartsick. She remembered Jason's worry that Billy couldn't handle his leaving. "Billy, that man who cut your throat…sometimes Jason and I are concerned that he's not really dead. Maybe he's just…sleeping." She looked up at him.

Billy shook his head. "He's really dead, all right. You'll never hear from that mean vicious man again."  
"That's what I told Jason. But Billy, I'm not too sure he was ever at all mean and vicious. Or big, for that matter."


	3. Chapter 3

"Jason," said Anna, one morning not long after that. "do you ever think of that song 'Which Way You Goin', Billy'?" She was completing an assignment for an art class.

"Not if I can help it." said Jason.

"I wonder which way Billy was going." Anna said.

"Probably in the direction of the nearest mental hospital." said Jason.

"That's very soulless of you, Jason." Anna said.

"Yeah, whatever." said Jason. He looked over at her sketchbook. "Good night, Anna. What are you drawing?" She was drawing a drawing of Billy that she was copying out of an album.

"Oh, for pete's sake. It's for my art class, Jason. I'm just practicing."  
"Practicing? What do you want to draw that thing for?"

" 'Thing'? Jason, that 'thing' happens to be your brother."

"Well, I don't appreciate you drawing that freakish face I've had to see all my life." He narrowed his eyes. "You don't think I'm an idiot, do you?"

"Is that a trick question?" said Anna, calmly drawing.

"Honestly, Anna, I knew you had an idiotic crush on the guy, but I didn't think you'd be ridiculous enough to be drawing him, and right in front of me, no less."

"Oh, you're being stupid. I don't have a crush on Billy. He just has a very draw-able face. So many angles. Curves. Planes. Shades. It's an artist's dream."  
"It wouldn't be if you had to be really subject to him, Anna. I'm not talking about just bumping into him in the living room periodically. If you have to spend a lot of time with him as his brother, you'd really know just how crazy he is."

"He's not crazy, Jason. He's just lonely, confused. You'd know that if you spent any time with him anymore."  
"I already know more than I want to know about his loneliness, Anna. Believe me, there's no amount of time I could spend with Billy that could satisfy his insatiable clinginess."  
"That sounds like an excuse to me."  
"He wants me to be Jack Nicholson. Sorry. McMurphy. I can't believe I have to say that. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to say those words?"  
"Oh, come on. It's just a way that Billy has of dealing with his problems. Besides, that was when he was nineteen. He doesn't have an imaginary friend now. And I thought you wanted to be like Jack Nicholson."  
"Anna, you just have no idea how needy Billy can be. He'll bleed you dry."

"You're being very cruel."  
"Those are words people like you always have about crazy axe-murderers. But tragedy always strikes."

"That's ridiculous." she looked at another photo in the album. "I didn't know Billy ever had a silver suit."  
"You have no idea the embarrassing things he's done. That's the manic depressive way. One moment they're wearing a silver suit, the next, they're wearing lipstick, and crying, playing "Candy Colored Clown" over and over on a loop."  
"Oh, come on. And I don't see why it should be embarrassing. He looks quite good in silver."  
"Yeah, well, he looks better in a jacket with no arms."  
Jason's behavior had become increasingly erratic and jealous. He would often take extreme measures to avoid Billy, insisting that they stay in their room until he went to bed.

"Of course, on a trust funder, ne'er do well time table, 12AM is just like 4PM." Jason said in frustration one evening.

"Come on, Jason. You're being ridiculous. And aren't you a trust funder, too?"  
"Hell no. I work, and have actual future prospects. I'm not forty-two, living with my mother."

When Jason actually went so far as to stop her from going to the bathroom for hours, just to avoid Billy, Anna put her foot down.

Of course, Billy seemed to be acutely aware that they were trying to avoid him. He kept playing sad, mournful records over and over again downstairs, and often didn't go to bed until morning.

"He's doing this deliberately. That's it. I'm calling our mother about this." Jason said.

"Jason, do you have any idea how ridiculous you're sounding? Be an adult. If you have something to say to him, say it."

Jason didn't listen, and just continued to stay upstairs, hiding like a crazy person. One night, Billy finally went to bed early. But then he seemed to be taking a long time upstairs, and then was playing sad, mournful records in his room as well, which seemed to be turned up for their benefit. One of them was "Why Must I Be a Teenager In Love?".

" 'Why must I be a middle-aged wastrel in love?'" said Jason.

"Oh, come on. His choice of music has nothing to do with this situation." Anna said.

"Do you always have to defend him?" said Jason.

"Only when he's defensible."  
"Then it should be never."  
"That's not true. "  
"You like him. Don't deny you do."  
"Of course I like Bill. He's a sweet guy."  
"You know very well what I mean."  
"Well, of course I do. He really fills out a tweed coat well."  
"Why thank you, dollface." Anna heard a voice behind her say. She turned around to see Bill standing there.

Anna sighed, and shook her head. Jason continued to look very sour. '

"How long have you been standing there, Billy?" said Anna.

"Oh, long enough, Anna." said Billy.

"Well, you should know that Jason often says things he doesn't mean."

"Why? What's he been saying?" Billy looked at Jason.

"I was saying that we'd really like you to go away."  
"Well, now that's mighty inhospitable." said Billy.

"Who cares? Please vacate the premises. Right now. Anna was just saying how I should be a man, and stand up to you."

"Aw, hell, Jason, I never listen to her." But he smiled at her.

Anna sighed. "Jason doesn't really mean it, Billy."  
"Well, I know that. But I don't believe that's really what he was saying, anyway."  
"Well…he was also saying he finds your ways to be a little embarrassing."  
"Yep. For certain Jason remembers everything I ever did he doesn't like. He remembers my life better than even I remember it myself."  
"For example," Anna said, smiling pointedly at Jason. "Jason is horribly embarrassed about this picture of you in a silver silk suit."

"Anna-

"I remember that suit. It was vintage. I wore it in tribute to Elvis Presley. We like Elvis Presley, don't we Jason?"  
"I guess." said Jason.

"Of course he does. He's his favorite singer. Mine too. Well, besides Roy Orbison." Anna saw Jason flinch at the prospect of the dreaded singer, who according to Jason, Bill had played during one of his many bouts of depression, and crying jags, in particular "Candy Colored Clown". Bill, however, was blithely unaware of Jason's distaste for this singer.

"That was a nice silver suit." Anna said.

"It sure was."

"Anna-" said Jason.

"You looked good it." Anna said.

"No, Anna."

"Why thank you." said Billy.

"What on earth is your problem?" Anna said to Jason.

"You know, I still happen to have that silver suit upstairs. Hanging up. In perfect condition, as I recall." said Billy, smirking at Jason.

"See?"

"I'm sure you can still fit into it." Anna said.

"Well…." Billy demurred.

"You're so trim." Anna said.

"Some would call it 'skeletal'." said Jason.

"That's enough out of you, little brother." said Billy.

"Very willowy." Anna continued.

"Well, shucks, ma'am…"  
"All right. Enough already. Bill, this is a new level of creepy, even for you."  
"Creepy?" said Bill. "I don't think that's the right use of that word, Jason. Creepy is a monster in a horror movie."  
"Uh, no. Actually, creepy is a guy in his forties flirting with a twenty one year old."

"Oh, shut up, Jason. We're just joking."  
"Well, I'm not. She thinks you're a joke, Billy."  
"I most certainly do not! Stop it, Jason, you're acting like a psychopath."  
"The only psychopath here is him. He 'luh-luh-loves you', Anna."  
"You shut up, creep." said Billy, his ears turning red.

"Jason, you apologize this instant!" said Anna.

"Well, maybe you'd like me to just move out, Jason." said Billy. "I could move out tonight. Is that what you want?"  
"Yes, please." Jason said. "I'll help you pack."  
"Jason, stop it."  
"What a pipe dream to think you'd ever move out of our mother's house, anyway." said Jason.

"What gives you the right to act like you have so much weight around here, anyway? You act mighty uppity for someone who was in diapers when I was in college. You should show me a little more respect. "  
"Uh…I'm not even going to reply to that in the way that I could reply. There's just no point in stooping that low."

"Nothing's too low for you, little brother."

"And if I were you, Bill, I'd quit using expressions like 'mighty uppity'. It makes you sound like a backwoods hillbilly."  
"I doubt Bill has ever seen a single hill, Jason. He's a city boy."  
"Backwoods city."

"Shut up, Jason."

"Anna likes it. Other people are positively charmed by me. You know nothing."  
"That's right. I do." Anna said.  
"What other people? Your first and only girlfriend?"

"As a matter of fact, she did."  
"She found anything you said charming, as long as you came up with 6,000 bucks."

"All right, Jason, you've made your point." said Anna hastily, seeing Bill glowering angrily at him.  
"Listen, Bill." said Jason. "Anna and I have been talking. And…well, I wouldn't worry about moving away from us, because Anna and I are going to be moving out soon, anyway."

"When?" Bill said, the two concave lines appearing again.

"Soon. When Anna graduates."  
"Well, that's not for a year." Billy said, looking relieved.

"Yeah, I know it's not Bill, but the thing is…you see…" He sighed. "we're going to be moving to New York."  
"What?" said Bill.

"You've known about this."  
"I have not! Don't you tell me I know about it, because I don't! No one ever told me about this." said Bill angrily.

"Maybe not a specific date, but you've known that I eventually planned to go to New York to find work as a comic book artist."  
"Well, not right away. I thought you'd wait til you were a little older at least."  
"A little older? Bill, people don't hire you the older you get. They hire younger people."  
"They want you to have a little experience, I'm sure. Why don't you try to find work here in San Francisco."  
"Because the place I want to work at is in New York. Archie Comics. We've been through this."  
"Well, I'm sure they want someone with a little more experience."  
"Look, Bill." said Jason. "You know how important this is to me. I've got a clear goal in sight, and I plan to achieve it. I will achieve it."  
"God willing." said Bill.

"And Bill, I know what you're going to say. New York City is dangerous. We'll meet nothing but evil there. You've said it a million times."  
"You'll come across a lot of heartache there, Jason. You'll be sorry. Either way, you'll be sorry. You'll have to learn a lot of hard lessons."  
"As opposed to easy lessons?" Jason said.

"Easier lessons would be learned if you'd listened to your older brother." Bill said. "Why do you think you know everything?"

"This is ridiculous. Lots of people have gone to New York, and made it out alive. Flourished, even."  
"Yeah, well, maybe 'flourishing' isn't the most important thing. But I am concerned that you won't make it out alive. You're just going there willy-nilly, with no set plans?"

"Of course not. Mom arranged for us to stay with a friend of hers."

Anna bit her lip. "Jason-

Bill looked at the floor. "Well," he said quietly after a minute. "I guess it's over my head, then."

"Over your head? What are you talking about, Bill? You're acting really stupid. This has nothing to do with anything being over anyone's head. As a matter of fact, this really doesn't have anything to do with you."  
"You may not think that."  
"Well, of course. Mom agreed to help me out just so she could spite you. That makes perfect sense."  
"You think you know everything." said Bill.

"I think even Anna thinks that's ridiculous."  
"Well," said Anna. "I'm sure she didn't do it just to spite you, Billy."  
"She's glad to rip us apart, though, no matter what the consequences. The consequences for her son. Her younger son, that is."

"Always so melodramatic." said Jason.

"I really wish you wouldn't do this. I think a lot of harm can come of going to New York."

"I think we can take care of ourselves." said Jason. "Besides, it's a year. You have a year to get used to this idea of us leaving."

Bill gazed at the ground steadily. Anna put her hand on his shoulder.

"Bill?" she said. Bill didn't look up.

"Bill, we'd come back to visit every Christmas." Anna said.

"Maybe you can work on getting your own life together now." Jason said.

Bill looked positively miserable. He stared unblinkingly at the ground. Anna looked at Jason.

"But what would I do without you guys?" said Bill.

"Oh." Anna said. "Well, you'll be okay. I know it'll be hard at first, but…" Anna felt helpless.

"Anna, please. No one asked you to take it upon yourself to help him." said Jason. "You're not his mother or his wife."

Bill looked positively numb with despair, which greatly alarmed Anna.

"Jason, how can you just say that in front of Bill? Don't talk about him like he's not in the room."  
"Oh, please, Anna."  
Bill looked at Anna. "Maybe…maybe I could come with you guys?"  
Anna bit her lip. "Well…" she said. "I think we might want to be alone, but…there'd be nothing to stop you from moving there yourself."  
"Anna, are you crazy? Shut up." Jason said angrily.

"I couldn't..couldn't live in New York by myself, Anna." said Billy.

"Yeah, Anna. Billy can barely handle living in a suburban neighborhood, do you think he could live in New York City by himself?"  
"Jason, I'm really getting sick of the way that you talk about Billy as though he's not there." Anna said.

"No, he's right, Anna." said Billy.

"He's not right. You're a perfectly capable, grown man. You took care of Jason all the time when he was little."

"I did. But…it's hard for me to deal with people. I still have a lot of problems. But I don't want Jason to move so far away. He'll be lonely. It's hard to be far away from your family. When I was in the hospital, Mom and Dad moved out to San Francisco, hundreds of miles away. It was really lonely."  
"Well, of course it was lonely in a mental hospital. But I'm not going to an insane asylum, for goodness sakes, Bill."

"I don't care. Nobody likes to be separated from their family, even family who's scarred you. But certainly not family you're close to."  
"Bill, maybe we've been too close. We need to be separated from each other."

Bill frowned again, looking very sad. Anna put her hand on his shoulder.

"We're not going to just up and leave in the middle of the night, you know." she said. "We're not going to sever all ties with you."

"I hope not. You'd break my heart if you did that." Bill said.

"I know. I know we would. But we'd never do that. We love you, Bill."

"Oh, for Pete's sake." Jason muttered.

"Jason pretends otherwise, but he really loves you. And I love you." she looked at Jason. "As a future sister-in-law, of course." she added.

"I don't know. He's always saying mean things to me. I don't think he likes me too much." He looked at Jason mournfully, his lip wobbly.

Jason sighed. "Well, if you'd quit looking at me like that, it'd help."

"Jason." Anna said. "Bill, Jason likes you a lot. When he was younger, you were all he talked about. I got sick of hearing about you, in fact. Some things you said were rather sexist. Like women always have their hand out. I remember you said that, and Jason repeated it. That was when you took us to see _The Shining_. I wanted to go with Jason, but you wanted him to go with you. A rather inappropriate movie for children, by the way."  
"Or man-children for that matter." said Jason.

"Jason.."  
"What? It scared him, not me. I remember, I was eleven, and I had to sleep in bed with him, he had nightmares all night, moaning like damned opera singer, and-

"Anyway," said Anna. "Jason will always care for you. And I will, too. Even though you behaved like a sexist pig, I still forgave you, because I knew you were very nice. When I was a kid, I wished I had an older brother like you."  
"That's sweet." Bill said. "But Jason still hasn't apologized for his behavior."  
"What behavior? I'm trying to help you be normal, Bill."

"Well, I appreciate that. But I'm trying to help you, too. I've spent most of my life trying to help you."  
"Well, maybe it's time to retire."  
"It'll never be time to retire from being your older brother, Jason." He looked at him sadly. "And I'll never fully adjust to having you live hundreds of miles across the country. Never."  
There was a silence. Anna bit her lip, and put her hand on his.

"Well…it's not for a year. In the meantime…we'd love to see you in that silver suit."

Later, when Bill was in the upstairs hallway, Jason said, "Bill, I'd uh…like to speak with you. Alone." He looked at Anna.

"Of course." Anna said, going into their bedroom.

Jason followed Bill into his room. They sat down at a table Bill had in his room.

"Bill, I've been thinking." Jason said. "It might be hard for you when Anna and I leave."  
"Of course it will. But don't worry about me. I'll be worried more about how the two of you will get along."  
"Uh huh. Well, that's very self-sacrificing of you, Bill, but see, the thing is, I am worried about what's going to happen to you."

"Well, then, don't go live in New York. Stay here."  
"Bill, I'm not going to be doing that. But I think that…I think that you would be happier in another environment."

"What environment?"

"Well, I think that….all things considered, you've never been very happy out in the world. And you won't be happy here with Mom. You two will never get along when I'm not here." said Jason. "And who knows, you might have a fight with her, and end up trying to commit suicide again."  
"That's ridiculous, Jason." said Bill angrily. "Even she can't make me try to kill myself again. Nothing could do that."  
"Well, I know that's what you say. But the reality of it might be different from what you think. I mean, I know how you let her affect you. You told me that sometimes just hearing her open a door could send you into a depression."  
"That was a long time ago, Jason."  
"Billy, it was just last year, and I'm telling you, it's not normal. I don't think you're going to do very well living alone with her."

"Well, then, I'll live somewhere else."  
"Bill, we both know that you have trouble being alone. I mean, even without the benefit of horror films, you have these nightmares, and for goodness sake, you never even sleep with the lights off. I don't think you could handle that either."  
"I wouldn't worry about me so much, Jason. You sure didn't worry about me that time I wanted to see _Batman _with you, and you told me you'd already seen it with Anna."  
"Bill, I don't think that you can handle being alone."  
"Then when I asked you to see it again, you said, 'My name is Bibbit, not Babbit, and I'm not going to lead you around everywhere.'"

"I think that maybe you'd be better off in a home."

"You said I was like Rain Man, except not nearly as smart."

"Bill, I don't think you're listening to me."  
"I was so desperate to have someone to talk to, I starting riding the bus, and talking with people I sat next to on the bus."  
"See, that's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. It's just not normal, Bill. When I'm not here, who knows what you might do." said Jason. "I think you'd benefit from a home. Some place where you'd have people to talk with, people who are more….well, more like you. You could make friends there, like you made before. Like Mr. Cheswick, and the chief, and all of them."  
"A home." Bill said. "You mean a mental home."  
Jason sighed. "See, I can see that you're not going to take the suggestion well. But Bill, I'm telling you, maybe…now don't flip out over this, but maybe a hospital is where you belong. You did well there."  
"Did well there." said Bill flatly.

"Yeah. You did. You could go to a very nice hospital. Private."  
"Jason, I was in a private institution before."

"Exactly. And you liked it there, right? You're always going on about how you and Cheswick and Harding and the rest played cards, and smoked cigarettes, and had a lot of laughs, and how it was like a fraternity, right? You don't need to be around me and Anna. You could have a great time with a lot of…uh, gifted people. Heck, they even have some coed ones now. Maybe you-"  
Bill sniffled, letting out a choked sob.

"Oh, heck, Bill. There's no need for that, it's just a suggestion."  
"I had a terrible time at that place, Jason. I can't believe you don't know that. It was a miserable place. Miserable."

"Well, you can go to a much better one this time. They have some really nice, high quality mental institutions, around here, Bill. If you didn't know better, you'd think you were in a high quality spa. They have cable TV, and silk sheets, private bedrooms. Heck, some of them even have alpaca lined restraints."  
Bill stared at him in shocked horror.

"Of course," Jason added hastily. "I'm sure you won't be needing that."

"This is something you've looked into." Bill said quietly.

"Well…I'm just looking out for your future. But there are some really nice, private ones. I'm sure Mom would pay for-

"Please tell me you haven't discussed this with her."  
"Of course I haven't. This is between you and me. But Bill, it wouldn't be some squalid hell-hole. It would be a nice place, where you could get the help you need. There would be no-

"Stop. Just stop it, Jason. Please. If you say any more, I'm afraid I won't like you anymore. And I can't not like you."  
Jason sighed. "You're being really ridiculous, Billy."  
"I said stop it." said Bill. "You've turned really evil. Somewhere, along they way, you stopped being the Jason I knew when you were a little boy, and turned into somebody as bad as our mother."  
"Evil? Bill, see, that's really farfetched. I'm just trying to help you."  
"Help me? I don't think so, Jason. You're trying to put me away."  
"You'd be there voluntarily, Bill. Nobody'd be 'putting you away'."  
"Yes, well, nowadays, they have fancy, sanitized new names for everything, but it's still the same thing." said Bill. "And I don't care if the sheets are silk, Jason, institutions are terrible places. Like hell. Like a totalitarian dictatorship. The patients are second class. Subhuman."

"Bill, even if that was true of the place you were in before, I'm sure the nurses and orderlies in these places will be quite subservient."  
"Wanna bet?" Bill said bitterly. "Tell you what? If it's as great as you say, why don't you go there?"

"Because I don't need to, Bill."  
"But Jason, you said it was just like a spa. Everybody wants to go to a spa, right? Maybe you'd be much happier after a nice stay there. You could get a lot of inspiration for your comic book stories. Maybe you'd meet some lovely girls there. They always have those curvy girls in Archie comics. Maybe there'd be some there. At the high class mental hospital."  
"See, it always comes back to that, doesn't it? You don't want me to be successful, so you find a way to work in your disapproval of my goals."

"Sounds to me like you're so desperate to succeed in your goals that you'd have me in alpaca restraints."  
"That's ridiculous. I'm worried about you. You tried to kill yourself five times. I'm concerned there'll be a sixth attempt."  
"Well, you know what, Jason? Four of those attempts occurred right inside the hospital. Being in a hospital in fact facilitates suicidal tendencies, it's such a hopeless place. Is that what you want, Jason? For me to be in a place of no hope? No hope, but plenty of silk sheets. Plenty of medication too, so you won't think about anything, and sleep your life away in a nice feather bed. And of course, plenty of electricity."  
"You always make everything sound so melodramatic, Bill. I don't think that would be the case."  
"I know it would."  
"Well, Bill, the fact remains, I think you need someone to take care of you."  
"I think I don't, thank you. Least of all you. Oh, Jason, how could you ever want to put me in an institution. You might as well say you'd like me to be dead."

"See, you're being really melodramatic as always. I don't want you to be dead, that's why I want to make sure you're some place where you can't hurt yourself."  
"I'm never going back to the institution, Jason. And I don't need to be there. I'm just fine now. I've changed, see? I may have a lot of problems, but I'm not suicidal now. And for you to say you don't believe me really hurts me. You don't give me any credit." He looked at Jason seriously. "Don't you know I love you? I'd never try to commit suicide if for no other reason than it would hurt you if I did."

"I guess." Jason said.

"You know, Jason. It's pretty easy to look down on someone, isn't it? It must make you feel real good about yourself to sit here, and talk down to me. And you feel really good, when you can say that you're being reasonable, and I'm being unreasonable, crazy Bill, always thinking people are out to get him."  
"Now that sounds pretty crazy, Bill."  
"See, you're doing it again. Saying the coldest, most hate-filled, cruel things possible, and disguising them as 'concern'."  
"Bill," said Jason. "I don't think I said anything 'hate-filled'. I don't think-

"Oh, yes you did. It speaks to the amount of hatred you have for me that you'd calmly tell me in the most detached way possible, that I'd be better off being put away in an institution. You must feel so insecure. I really worry about you."  
Jason sighed, and shook his head.

"And you have no idea how much it hurts me for you to say to me that I'd be better off with 'people like me'." He looked at Jason, hurt flashing through his eyes. "That's funny, because I didn't think that I was any different than anyone else. Especially not you. But now I see that we're more different than I could have ever imagined."  
"You're being ridiculous, as usual. I'm just making a suggestion. Forget I ever said it if this is the way you're going to take it."  
"Jason," said Bill. "I hope you feel sorry for what you said. I hope you realize what a terrible, evil, thing it is for you to suggest to me that I should go live in an institution. I hope you would never really try to get me to commit myself to an institution." His voice shook with those words.

"Bill-

"And if you don't, and you really would be willing to put me in an institution, then you have no heart. Then you're not really my little brother anymore. You're a stranger to me. A stranger I fear, because you might be willing to hurt me, if you think I'm standing in your way."  
"Fear? I'm the one that fears you, Bill. I'm afraid anytime you might snap, and murder us all with an axe in our sleep."  
"No, you don't." Bill said sadly. "What you fear is that I'll hold you back in your goals. You're afraid you'll have to be saddled with me, and that's not the life you want. You're afraid if you'll be around me, you'll wind up a middle-aged loser like you're always calling me."

"Now that you mention it, yes. I think you'd be tickled pink to make me into another mental patient ne'er do-well such as yourself. You don't want me to get away from you."  
"I would never try to hold you back, Jason. I love you, and want you to be as successful as possible. I just don't want you to get hurt. I just want you to realize what's important. Things like family. And the idea that you'd call me a mental patient ne'er do-well…I may not have brought you into this world, but I've been like a father to you." He glared at Jason intently.

"Bill, I really don't have time for this. I see you've managed to twist things to fit your own martyred opinion of yourself. I've got to go to bed. Because I work. At a job." He rose from his seat.

"You feel so superior, don't you Jason? You love to look down on me. Anytime, you can think, at least I'm not like him." He walked over to Jason. "But I didn't mean what I said earlier. Nothing you could ever say could make me not like you. You're my brother, and I'll always like you."

"Yeah. I guess…I didn't mean what I said. That you should live in an institution."

"Good." said Bill. "I knew you didn't."


	4. Chapter 4

Anna had noticed that Bill seemed to be hovering around them more than ever since he'd learned that they were going to move next year. Jason grumbled about it, but he seemed to be very quiet, and subdued lately. Every time she spoke with Bill, Jason acted jealous. Anna, in response to this, teased him by mock flirting with Bill. At least she told herself it was mock-flirting.

"You know, I have a beautiful vintage, poodle-cloth coat."  
"You do?"

"Yes. Maybe I'll model it for you sometime."  
"Well, I don't think Jason would like that too much, but thanks just the same."  
"You know, I really like the feeling of poodle-cloth." Anna said. "It's soft, and curly….and before my time." She looked at Bill, smiling.

Jason shook his head. "Anna…"  
"Better talk to your girl, Jason. I think she might be making the fast eye at me."

"Yeah, sure she is, Bill." Jason said.

"When I was little, I really wanted a poodle. I thought they were the cutest. They have curly hair, and pointed faces, and-

"People might think you were fast with that kind of talk, Anna." said Bill.

"I'm just kidding, of course. Jason knows I'm kidding, right Jason?"  
"Yeah. Some poodles are past adoption age." said Jason.

One day, Anna was on the porch with Bill.

"It sure is hot today." Anna said. She felt awkward around him for some reason.

"Sure is. We won't be wearing any poodle-cloth coats today, will we?"

"Nope." she said.

He sat down next to her.

"You like vintage things?" he said.

"Uh…a little." said Anna.

"I like vintage things, too. Of course, when I was growing up, they weren't vintage. They were modern."  
"Yes. I know." said Anna.

"Of course some things are timeless. Like Elvis Presley. You like Elvis Presley."  
"Yes. Doesn't everybody?"  
"Jason likes Elvis Presley. You know who first told him about Elvis?"  
"Who?"  
"Me."  
"Oh."  
"You know who first told him about Jack Nicholson?"  
"You?"  
"Exactly. I took him to see _Chinatown_ when he was five years old."  
"Um…isn't that a movie that has incest in it?"  
"Well, yes. But Jason was five. He hardly even knew what was going on in the movie. He just knew there were interesting colors, and pretty costumes, and a pretty lady. Faye Dunaway."

"Yes. She's very attractive."  
"I always was partial to Faye Dunaway."  
"Really?"  
"Yes. She's one of my favorite actresses. I remember when I first saw her in _Bonnie and Clyde_. She was some doll."  
"Uh huh." A thought occurred to Anna. "You know, I remember reading something interesting about Jack Nicholson in a magazine."

"What's that?" Bill said.

"Well, it seems when he was growing up, he was raised by a woman who he thought was his mother, but she was really his grandmother, and a woman he thought was his older sister was his real mother."  
"I didn't know that."  
Anna paused. "That's…that's not what's going on here, is it? With Jason? He's really your son, isn't he?"

"What?" Bill said.

Anna looked down. "I'm…sorry. It was just a crazy thought."  
"Really crazy."

There was a silence.

"But it would make perfect sense, though." Anna said suddenly.

"Uh, Anna-

"Because, when you went to the hospital, it was because of Celia, and Jason was born around that time there was all the trouble with Celia, and-

"Anna-

"And then, just as Jason was born, in 1969, when _Easy Rider _came out, you concocted this fascination with Jack Nicholson, even a story about him being a patient in a mental hospital who was tricked by a devious woman, because Celia left you-

"Anna-

"-and left the baby with your parents to raise." she looked at him. "She did, didn't she? And that's why you keep saying that Jason reminds you of Jack Nicholson. Because you're trying to work up the courage to tell him he's your son. And you thought that would be a good jumping off point. 'You know how Jack Nicholson was raised by-

"Anna. Anna. Calm yourself."

"I'm calm. It's true, isn't it?"  
"No. Not at all." He smiled at her. "But you sure would be great at writing soap operas."  
Anna felt deflated. "It's really not true?"  
"No."

"But he could be your son. And you were with Celia."  
Bill sighed. "No. I wasn't with Celia like that. We never…we never slept together."  
"Rosie."  
"No. Anna, your theory that Jason's my son might be a consideration, were it not for the fact that there are a lot of photos of my mother pregnant with him."  
"Oh." Anna said, realizing upon consideration that he was right. She had seen photos of Mrs. Bibbit pregnant with Jason.

"And also the fact that I….when I was...when I was…when I entered the hospital, I was a…virgin."  
"Oh."  
"I'm sorry to disappoint you. Jason's my brother. He was a late in life baby for my parents. My mother was pregnant with him when I was in my freshman year in college."

"Oh." she paused. "He's not your brother and your son, is he?"  
"Anna!"  
"Sorry." Anna smiled. "But, you know, people from the south…"  
"Very funny. What a disgusting thought."  
"Just a little joke."  
"I remember Jason as a tiny newborn baby. He was so cute."  
"I bet he was." Anna smiled.

"My mother expressed concern that I might try to smother him in his crib. Her orders were to stay away from the new baby."  
Anna frowned. "Gosh. I'm so sorry, Bill."

"Yeah, well. That's how she is. She never liked me. When I was a little kid, she said I was 'hyperactive' because I liked to joke a lot, and play little pranks. That hurt me. So I began to be afraid to joke, or say anything. I became a nervous wreck. As you can imagine, that's when I started to have a stutter."  
"I sure am sorry, Bill."

"I know you are. You're a sweet girl." said Bill. "But now Jason's acting more and more like her. Whenever I have any mood change at all, he says that it's part of my manic depressive personality. As though I'm not capable of showing any personality besides a manic depressive one."  
"I'm sure you're not manic depressive."  
"Oh, I am. That's what I was diagnosed as, at least. Makes sense to me." He looked at her. "When I was at the hospital, I was called an 'acute'. We had the acutes, and we had the chronics."  
"Oh."  
"One thing you didn't want to be was a chronic. If you were a chronic, you were a lifer. Committed."  
"You weren't committed."  
"No. I was voluntary. Are you surprised?"  
"No."  
"Jason was. He thought I had to be committed."  
"Jason often makes mean-spirited jokes."  
"He wasn't joking. But anyway, the acutes didn't want to go anywhere near the chronics. They were, as we used to say in the seventies 'real gone'."  
"I see."  
"There was one guy, he would nail himself to the wall, and pee on the floor, and-this isn't bothering you, is it? This talk?"  
"No."  
"I'm glad. Anyway, there was the nail guy, and there was Bancini, who walked around muttering 'I'm tired.' all the time, and there was a little guy, Martini. He ate monopoly pieces."  
"Hmmm."  
"Lots more, too. But there was one committed patient who wasn't like that. He was good, and kind, and wise. The wisest man I've ever known. Mr. Bromden."  
"The chief?"  
"That's right. How did you know?"  
"Just a guess."  
"He was a great man, the chief."

"I'm sure he was."

"The chief always said I didn't have a mean bone in my body."  
Anna smiled. "The chief was quite right."

"Yeah. I remember I told the patients in group about Celia, and they laughed. It was embarrassing. But I pretended to laugh, because I didn't want to embarrass myself. Especially not in front of this pretty little nurse that was there."  
"You liked her, huh?"  
"I sure did. By that time, I forgot all about Celia, because I was in love with the nurse. Nurse Pillbow, her name was."  
"What did she look like?"  
"She was pretty little thing. She had beautiful dark brown hair, and big, huge brown eyes, and pale skin. She was petite, too. In the group meetings, she'd sit there with her legs crossed daintily, observing. I liked to think she was looking at me, but she probably wasn't really. Though I was the best looking guy there."  
"Really."  
"Yeah, well. That's really not saying anything."

"Oh, I don't know. It's not far-fetched you'd be the best looking guy anyplace, no matter what the others looked like." She smiled at him.  
Bill blushed to the roots of his hair, and looked down. Anna smiled, biting her lip, and patted his hand gently.

"Really?" He looked so hopeful, and worried, at the same time. Anna found herself, once again, wanting to hug him.

"Because…people have told me before, that I'm…fr-freakish looking, you know." Bill looked at her so hungrily, and earnestly, she had to look away.

"Oh, Bill." Anna said chidingly. "No. Those people were terrible liars. Jealous. Envious."  
"Some of them were…were my mother." said Bill.

"Well, it still stands. She was being terribly hateful. She just wants to control you."  
"I worked at a Kinko's once in the seventies."  
"You did."  
"Yep. And I didn't like the way that I was treated there. They all thought that I was retarded, because of my stutter."  
"Oh. They were just pretending they did. Because they wanted to feel superior."  
"You're right about that. But they all patronized me. I only worked there a week, and then I couldn't stand it anymore. And then, the final straw was this guy came in, this music teacher. He brought in about a hundred copies for his class. And then he said to me, 'Excuse me, sir, but these copies are not stapled right.'"  
"Huh. What did you do?"  
"Well, I got really angry about it. I mean, he actually had the nerve to pick apart the quality of how I'd stapled his hundred copies. So I probably got angrier than I should have. I got all red in the face-

"Pointed your finger in his face, shaking your hand around tremulously?"  
"I guess. Why? You're saying you've seen me do that often?"  
"Well…" Anna said. "Maybe a few…hundred times."  
"Well, anyway, I got disproportionately, I admit, angry. I started yelling 'Not stapled right? Not _stapled_ right?' over and over."  
"You got fired, right?"  
"No. I quit, right then, and there. Just walked out of the store."  
"I see." Anna said. "Don't you think you may have overreacted just a tad bit?"  
"Well, maybe a little."  
"See, I wonder what happened to sweet, timid, wouldn't hurt a fly Billy in that moment." She quickly added,, "But I don't think you should be _timid_. I do think that you should stand up for yourself, but not so loudly, and not so….juttingly."

"I'm not too sure that's a word, but you're right. I certainly did overreact that day. And after I quit, I simply couldn't work up the courage to tell my mother. But one day, she finally figured out that I wasn't going to work anymore. She didn't say anything, but then one day at the table Jason, who was six then, mentioned something about work, and my mother said, 'Well, you know, Jason, some people might have an overactive thyroid, it might cause them to act high-strung at work.'"  
"That was not very nice of her."  
"No, it sure wasn't." He looked at her. "I don't really have overactive thyroid, you know."  
"I know."  
"She said it because of my protruding eyes."  
"Yes. I realized that." said Anna.

"Well, you do realize a lot, then, don't you?"  
"I realize a few things."

"My mother has spent my whole life telling me that I'm freakish looking."  
"Well, you aren't."  
"People at grade school, too. They all laughed at my stutter. And my bulging eyes." He looked down.  
"Now, you don't have-

"Don't be silly. I do, I know. But they shouldn't have said it."  
"No, they shouldn't have." Anna said emphatically.

"They called me 'B-Billy' in school."  
"Those were creeps."

"Yeah, they were. They called me 'Worm', too."  
"That's very mean."  
"Funny thing is, that's a name my mother's had for me since I was little."

Anna bit her lip, saying nothing.

"It's a wonder I didn't wind up in a mental hospital."  
"Well, it's a good thing you've got a good sense of humor about it."  
"Yeah. It comes with being beaten down." He brightened. "Once, in our first group session at the hospital, we all had to announce our main problem. Why we were there. Everybody in the group told their main problem, and when the circle went around to me, I said, 'Fortunately, my problem doesn't show.' Only when I said it, I had the stutter, so it came out like 'F-f-fortunately…'"

Anna laughed. Billy laughed, too.

"Yeah. I can imagine the way you said it, too. I'm guessing you said 'Fortunately, my problem doesn't show.', and then made forth with a funny little giggle. A cackling giggle."

She noticed Bill looking at her, a knowing expression on his face. She blushed.

"Uh…I mean…that's….really annoys me. It's annoying. Sounds like a teakettle."

"Well, gee. I'm hurt, Anna." But he was smiling at her. Still looking very knowing.

Anna bit her lip. "I like your cackle. It goes with…"  
"With what?"  
"Uh…your personality, of course. It goes with your personality."  
"It really does. You know, you remind me of Nurse Pillbow a little."  
"It goes with your sharp personality."  
"She was a pretty, petite little thing. Like you. I think she was Jewish, too. Deep, brown eyes. Not as deep as yours, though."  
"Um…"

"But you know, there was something you could tell about Nurse Pillbow. She didn't…she didn't really want to have any kind of contact with any of us patients, even the acutes. She treated us all like we were swimming in maggots. All the staff did. That was the way they were."

"I'm sorry." Anna said.

"Yeah. Well." He looked at her. "You know that song, 'Heartbreak Hotel'."  
"I do. When I was a little girl, Elvis was my favorite singer. My parents had…uh, I mean _I_ had all his records."  
"I know 'Heartbreak Hotel', too. I've lived in it for years. Down at the end of lonely street."

"Uh..you know 'Suspicious Minds'?"

"And there's always room for two to cry inside the gloom."  
"Uh, I'm pretty sure that's a misquote."  
"All these years, Anna, I've been so lonely." He looked at her face searchingly.

"Lots of great songs in his oeuvre. You know 'Blue Suede Shoes'? Or 'Jailhouse Rock'. Jason always said he didn't care about anything in that movie except living fast, dying young and leaving behind a good-looking corpse. Of course, I'm sure you don't approve of that philosophy." She looked at him.

"I've been just so, so lonely, Anna. So lonely, I could die." He earnestly looked into her eyes. The fear in his eyes gave Anna pause. She knew exactly how terrible Billy would feel if she said one wrong thing.  
"I um…listen, you didn't have to pretend we were discussing the oeuvre of Elvis Presley to segway into...this."  
" 'This'?" Billy said, the two concave frown lines colliding together abruptly. Anna felt a sharp pang of regret.

"See, I always mess up. I didn't mean to make it sound like you thought I did. Sometimes..well, sometimes I'm afraid to get close to people. See, my mother, when I was twelve, she left me, but she took my brother, Matt. Her new husband, a devout Catholic lawyer, by the way, didn't like me. He just took a spite to me. But he liked my brother okay. Anyway, sometimes, it really hurts…she rejected me, and made me live with my dad. I mean, it's not bad. My dad and Delia are great. Anyway, he and my mother have a new daughter, now. Katie. I guess she replaced me."  
Bill looked at her sadly. Then he took her hand in his.

"It's hard, having a cold mother. I know." Bill said.

"My mother's not like your mother. She pretends to be cheerful all the time. She acts all apologetic for the way things are, but she makes it clear her new husband is number one priority."  
"Well. I'm sure she loves you, in her own way."  
"I know. She just…she's always been kind of weak." She looked at him. "Anyway, I know it may sound ridiculous, and maybe it is, but I never have been able to trust anyone fully since she abandoned me."  
"Well, you can't use that for an excuse every time." said Bill.

"I know. My mother used to like him. Elvis. We used to listen to his records all the time. And then when I met Jason, it turned out he was Jason's favorite singer, too. He knew the words to all his songs."  
"I know."

"You taught him those lyrics, didn't you?"

"Well, he memorized most of them on his own. He was a smart little boy. But I may have helped a little." said Bill. "Elvis was a great singer."  
"He sure was."  
"Know what else he was?"  
"What?"  
"Southern."  
"Really."  
"He was. Jason may think he knows the philosophies of Elvis, but Jason wasn't raised in the south, you see. Mom and Dad moved here to San Francisco when he was one."  
"I know."  
"Jason doesn't know the pain of someone raised in the south, you see."  
"And you do?"  
"More than most."

"Right." Anna said. She bit her lip. "Well.."

"You know what else Elvis was?"  
"I'm afraid to ask."  
"Before your time."  
"Oh, no…"  
"Don't deny that you're into things that are before your time, Anna. And southern."  
Anna covered her face in her hands. Bill took pried them off. Anna could do nothing but laugh weakly.  
"That was really…smooth. Really."

"Not really."  
"It was. You should congratulate yourself. You've come a long way. You're a full-fledged Lothario now."  
"But I'm really not, Anna." He studied her face. "I'm the opposite of smooth."  
"You should be proud of it. Really. That was really-

"Anna." said Bill. "I'm really serious. The chief said that I was a very serious person. That I took everything seriously."  
"I'm glad. The chief was wise."  
"He was." Bill began to put his arms around himself in a gesture that very unfortunately reminded her of a straitjacket. "I'm just so, so stupid. I did it all wrong. Stupid Bill. I'm just so, so…" He began tugging on a lock of his hair repeatedly.

"Bill." Anna said worriedly.

"Now I look crazy. Nobody wants to be with a crazy person."  
"No, you don't."

There was a silence.

"Hey, Anna." Bill said finally. "I've been…I've been working up the courage to tell you this all day."  
"Okay." Anna said.

"See I…I really..I really l-I really care for you." Bill said.

"I know." said Anna.

"I…your eyes look like Nurse Pillbow's, only twice as deep, and as kind. There's such a kind light in your eyes."  
"That's sweet." Anna said. She looked very sad.

"And….that night you said that about the 'Tweed Coat Killer', I..I first realized it, Anna. You see, you really hurt me when I heard you say it. But I couldn't figure out why, other than I don't like people to go around thinking I'm some crazed psychopath, just because I was in a mental hospital. But it was then that I began to really see how beautiful you were. And how…you've always been sweet to me. We've always had a rapport."  
"Yes. We do."  
"You're always so sweet to me, Anna. So kind. Why?"  
"Because I like you. Remember what the chief said. He said you didn't have a mean bone in your body."  
Bill nodded. "Right." he said.

"Well, he was right. You're sweet. Even when your at your most irascible, you're sweet."  
"Anna," Bill said urgently. "Don't deny, you have strong feelings for me."  
"I do. I really do." Anna said.

"You're attracted to me?"  
"Very much, yes, Anna whispered."  
"Good. That's good." Bill said. "I couldn't…I couldn't imagine life without you."

Anna looked at the scar on his throat. She swallowed hard. She haltingly reached over and touched it. She began to trace it with her finger, and was given pause when she heard a steady, clenched groan. She drew in a breath, when she realized that Bill was so lonely, so isolated, that the slightest touch was like food to a person who had been years starving. But she didn't draw her hand back. Anna continued to put her hand over the scar, massaging it steadily with her hand. She heard several loud gasps. Anna rolled her eyes with excitement upon hearing this. Bill leaned against her, pressing his jaw in the crook of her shoulder, and pressed her small body to his in a hug that was so hard, she could barely breathe. She felt something hard pressing into her, and suddenly alarm bells went off.

"Bill, I don't know how to say this delicately, but there's something very hard, and long, and sharp pressing into me."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Anna." Bill said, ashamed. "I didn't…I didn't mean to have that r-react-

"Your jaw, Bill. It's in my shoulder. It hurts, Bill."  
"Oh, Anna." Bill said in a chiding voice.

"Well, it does."  
"That's just not very mature, now."  
"Well, I can't help it if your jaw gets longer when I'm around."

"Anna!" Bill said, shocked. "I can't believe you! I'm a gentleman."  
"Even gentlemen get erections."  
"I don't want to talk about this." Bill said huffily.

"Well, they do."  
"Oh, Anna. I'm so ashamed." Billy said mournfully, looking at the ground.

"What's to be ashamed of?" Anna said. "I touched your throat, you got hard. We didn't do anything."

"I'm a terrible brother. I…I really failed him. Now he's going to hate me."  
"I'm sure he won't." Anna said.

"Of course he will. Oh, this is terrible. I've done something irrevocable now."  
"Bill, I hate to tell you this, but it wasn't a secret to anyone here that you had a major crush on me."  
"It wasn't?"  
"No, not when you'd come downstairs and say things like 'Anna has eyes like a baby doe.'." Which he had done, one evening a few months ago.

"I meant you were like a cute little thing. A pet, you know, or a baby. I meant it in an avuncular way."  
"Oh, of course." She looked at him, hurt. "What, you're trying to deny now that you ever said you had feelings for me?"  
"No." Bill said assertively. "Never. Everything I said still stands, Anna."  
"Good." Anna said. "Because, you know, I still love that vintage poodle-cloth coat. And Elvis. And you know what, when I was younger, I had something else I loved, too."

"What was that?" Bill said expectantly.

"My antique Punch and Judy puppet."  
"What a romantic declaration." Bill said sarcastically.

"Take it, or leave it." said Anna.

"I'll take it." Bill said fervently, but added, "Did you have to call it an antique puppet?"  
"As I recall, the Punch puppet wasn't quite an antique, but getting there."

"That's going too far." Bill said. Anna bit her lip, and smiled.

"Especially compared to the Judy puppet." Anna added.

"All right, that's it." said Bill. "You know, the chief taught me an old Indian tradition called 'rope burns'."

"You wouldn't dare!" Anna said.

"I would too." Bill said. He reached for her, but instead cupped her face in his hands tenderly.

"So fair." he said.

"I'm known for my fairness. Like Ramona Quimby said, fairness is important."  
"It certainly is." He kissed her lips sweetly, gently.

Anna sighed, and stroked his back. She thought she heard a slight groan. She pulled away.

"You know, I figured anyone with a cackle would groan loudly. And easily" she added.

"Oh, Anna." Bill said. Anna patted his shoulder.

"You're sweet, Bill." Anna said. She hugged him.

"You're sweet, Anna." said Bill. "And the time I spend with you-any time at all, is sweet."

Anna stroked his curly head gently, holding him close. She was absorbed in doing this, when she heard a car door slam, Jason coming in, home early. Bill, absorbed in their embrace, obviously did not hear it.

Anna sat up suddenly. "Bill." she said.

"What, Anna?"  
"I…um..I have to use the little girls' room. Excuse me."

"Okay, Anna." Bill said. He looked at her with such affection that Anna almost didn't have the heart to leave him. But fear of what Jason would think gripped her, so she almost lost her breath.

"Wait right here." she said, backing out of the room. "I'll be right back."  
************************************************** **********************

"Hi, Jason." Anna said breathlessly, greeting Jason, who was getting out of his car in the garage.

"Oh hey, Anna." Jason said.

"Hey." Anna said. "Anything interesting happen at the comic book store?"

"Not really." Jason said.

"Oh." Anna said.

"Feeling okay, Anna?" said Jason. "You look flushed."  
"Oh, I just…I was watching a sad soap opera."

"You mean a 'worry story'?" said Jason.

"What?" Anna said.

"That's what Bill used to call them. He'd complain bitterly about our mother watching her 'worry stories'."  
"Oh." Anna said, fighting back a smile. "Southerners and their weird phraseology."

"He'd warn me about the evils of worry stories, and how I should never, ever watch them. Just what an eight year old boy is always anxious to do."  
"Yeah. Gosh, he's creepy." Anna said, but she felt a strong urge to cry as she said it.

Jason raised an eyebrow. "Well, that certainly is a change of heart for you, isn't it?"

"Not really. I never thought he was anything but creepy." said Anna.

"In fact," she whispered to him urgently. "this whole house is creepy. Let's get away from it. Let's out." she said. "Like right now."

"Uh…okay." Jason said.

"Now." she said urgently. She opened Jason's car door.

"Sure." Jason said. They got in the car.

"Who put the bee in your bonnet?" Jason asked as they were backing out of the car.

"Do you even have to guess?"

"I'm glad to see you've finally come to your senses. What did he do?"  
"Nothing, really." said Anna. "Just…looked at me with those creepy, pop eyes, that are shaped like….I don't even know what they're the shape of. And I made all A's in geometry." She swallowed hard. The words hurt her throat. But so did the fear of Jason finding out. Not to mention Mrs. Bibbit.

"That'll do it." Jason said.


	5. Chapter 5

"Well," Jason said, after he and Anna had gone to dinner, and to a movie, and to a grocery store. "I guess we should be heading back home."

"No." Anna said.

"No?"

"No. No, I think we should sleep in a hotel tonight. What do you say?"  
"Anna, are you crazy? I've got to get up for work tomorrow."  
"Well…" said Anna. "it's just-

"Anna, I don't know what's wrong with you, but we're going home." said Jason.

When they pulled into the garage, Anna was frantic.

"Jason." she said. "I don't want to go in there." She tugged at his sleeve. "I'm really scared, Jason."

"Anna have you gone off the deep end?"  
"I'm serious, Jason. I can't stand the thought of going in that house."

"Why?"  
"I'm really scared."  
"Of what?"  
"Of…the house." She twisted a lock of hair around her finger. "It's so creepy. And sad. And lonely. And desolate."  
"I have a feeling we're not just talking about the house here, are we?"  
"Sharp as a tack, you." She laughed nervously.

"Ok, what's this all about, Anna?"  
"I…" Anna bit her lip, cringing. "It's just that…I…" Jason looked at her impatiently. "Oh, gosh. I can't take it anymore, Jason. I'm in love with someone else." She looked at him expectantly.

Jason sighed. "You waited til we were almost in the house, in the garage, to tell me this?"  
"I'm sorry, Jason. I was afraid of what you'd say."  
"Well, Anna. I just don't know what to say to this. At this time of night…"  
"I wanted to be honest with you, Jason." said Anna. "I was so close to doing the wrong thing. But I want to make it right, now." She looked at him. "Well? Aren't you going to _say _something?"  
Jason sighed. "You don't want to go to New York, next year then?"  
"No." Anna said. "No. I never really thought that I would…fit in there. I'm not even sure what I want to do after college."  
"Yeah. I didn't think you were cut out for New York, really."

"No, I guess not." There was a silence.

"I guess….we always were better as friends than anything else." Jason said finally.

"Well….we were pretty hot for each other in high school." Anna said.

"Yeah." Jason said. "But that was high school."  
"I'm really sorry, Jason." Anna said.

"I guess I can't blame you. We haven't been exactly hot and heavy in awhile. " said Jason. "I mean," he added hastily. "I've been busy working at the store, and you've had school, and.."  
"Right." Anna said.

There was another silence.

"I haven't had sex with him." Anna said hastily, looking at Jason.

"Fine." Jason said.

"I haven't. I never cheated on you, Jason."  
"I believe you, okay?" said Jason.

Anna sniffed. "So." she said. "I have your blessing?"  
"You need my 'blessing', Anna?"  
"Not to sleep with him. I'm sure he wouldn't so early….he's pretty old-fashioned. But to go ahead and start…dating, I guess?"  
"Yeah, yeah. If you really need to ask my permission, go ahead and do whatever you want."

"Okay. Good." Anna said. "That's good. This is a positive step. See, I was all worried about how things would turn out."  
"Right. Well…I guess you don't need to worry anymore, then."  
"Jason?" Anna said.

"What?"  
"I…I panicked today. When I seemed so nervous in the garage? I worried about what would happen, and I…I left him. In the house. I'm scared now he'll-

"Wait a minute. What do you mean, you left 'him' in the house?" said Jason, a look of horror dawning on his face.

"Bill. I….we were talking. It was the first time we ever admitted our feelings-

Jason started to laugh.

"What's so funny?" Anna said.

"You're joking, right, Anna? This is your idea of a sick joke?"

"No." Anna said. "I'm not." She looked at him.

"Oh, Anna." Jason said. "I just can't…I don't have words."  
"I don't see what's so funny or shocking about this. Bill and I are in love, Jason. We never slept together, or had any kind of secret affair behind your back. Only today, we had a discussion of our feelings for each other, which we finally realized. I don't know what we'll do yet, or how it will turn out, but the fact is that Bill and I have long had a rapport, and have long had feelings-

"'You've 'long had feelings' for each other, Anna? I sure hope it wasn't too long for him, Anna, since only four years ago, you were underage."  
"Of course, it wasn't that long, in the scheme of things, but since I've been living at your house, at least, was the start of it."  
"Anna, you have no idea how hideously funny the words 'Bill and I are in love' are coming from your lips."

"Why? Why is it funny to you? You agreed not five minutes ago, that you wouldn't blame me if I'd met someone else."  
"That was before I knew the candidate you had mind, Anna."

"Why? What's so bad about Bill? I happen to love him very much."  
"Please, Anna."  
"Please what? I do." She glared at Jason. "And you can't have not seen this coming? You were the one who was always accusing me of having a crush on Bill."  
"Yeah, a stupid, girlish crush out of pity. I never envisioned we'd be driving along one night, and you'd say to me 'I'm in love with Bill.'."

"Why not? What's wrong with Bill, Jason? You know, you should be happy for Bill."  
"I should be happy for Bill pathetically trying to steal my girlfriend?"  
"He's not pathetically trying to steal your girlfriend. It just so happens to turn out, I have more in common with Bill than I do with you. Think about it, Jason. You're always saying that I'm sounding a lot like Bill."  
"Yeah, in your worst moments." He shook his head. "If only I'd known how those words would be used against me, I never would have said them."  
"Why are you acting like this? Bill is your brother, and if you already know how I've met someone else-

"Not if it's Bill, Anna."

"Why?" Anna said. "If anything, you should be glad it's your brother, and not some stranger."  
Jason shook his head. "I see he's brainwashed you with his sick mentality already. I should have known when you were saying that the 'house' is sad and creepy. Yeah, that's an apt description of Bill, all right." He looked at her. "Anna, for your own sake, and his, don't enter into anything with him. He can't handle a relationship with a woman. Every woman he's had even minimal contact with, he's gone crazy in some way over. Celia. The woman who kept borrowing money from him. Even Nurse Pillbow. You know the scar on his throat?"  
Anna looked at the floor.

"Well, it seems Bill, probably Thorazined to the gills, confessed his undying love for beautiful, sweet Nurse Pillbow. I might add, this was a petite dark haired girl too. Like someone we know. Nurse Pillbow didn't know what to say. She was fairly new to Nursing, apparently. She laughed. Not hatefully. She-

"Just a minute, Jason." said Anna. "How, exactly do you know all this in such detail."  
"Well, the basics Bill himself told me. But the rest I got from Mom, who heard it from his doctor. Anyway, Nurse Pillbow laughed nervously. Bill didn't take this well. He started crying, and screaming, and kicking, and had to be dragged away to the psychiatrist's office, and was left alone there. A mistake, obviously. Because the psychiatrist had a picture frame of himself, with his large fish he'd caught on his desk. A glass picture frame. I'm sure you know the rest."  
Anna's grief and horror must have been written all over her face, because Jason softened, and his voice shook when he said. "I don't like think about it either, Anna. But that's why I'm telling you, don't deal with him. He can't deal with women."

Anna shook her head. "No." she said. "No, that story doesn't change a thing in my mind."  
"Anna-

"Why did you think it would, Jason? You knew I knew he tried to commit suicide. Why did you think knowing the exact cause of it would change my mind in any way? I still love him."  
"Anna, you don't. You just feel sorry for him is all."  
"No, I don't. I love him. In some way, I always have. When I was little, I wanted to have an older brother like him. An adult, who was kind of like one of us, who could take us places, and who I could share with the confidences that you used to share with him when you were a kid. He's been there...peripherally, since I was six years old. Most of my life. Eventually, the love I had for him when I was a child evolved. And ever since I've noticed that scar on his throat…I can't explain it, but my heart goes out to him. I feel responsible for him, in a way." She looked at Jason. "Sort of like the way a person feels when they save another person's life."

"Exactly what I said. You feel some misplaced need to take care of him."  
She shook her head. "No. It's more than that. And he doesn't really need anybody to take care of him, Jason. But he does need someone to love him."  
"Anna," Jason said. "you're saying that you've loved him since you were six years old? Do you realize how sick that is? Mostly because when you were six, he was twenty-seven."  
"That shows a very immature viewpoint, Jason. The love I had for him when I was six is vastly different from the love I have for him as a grown woman. That's what I'm trying to tell you."  
"Anna, please. Anyone but him."

"Jason, why? Don't tell me that thinking about him lying on the floor covered in blood in a psychiatrist's office doesn't make you want to cry, too. He nearly died."

"Anna, please. You know, now you're really starting to sound like him."

"Well, I consider that a compliment."

"Well, you shouldn't." He shook his head. "You know, Hitler had blood, too. Bill has shown his true colors. He's nothing but a pathetic, sniveling, conniving little weasel, who'll bite your hand the first chance he gets. Mom's right. He is a worm. A filthy little worm."  
"That's enough, Jason." Anna said, shocked.

"Anna, this is sick. Your love for a man who was already grown and locked up in a mental hospital when you were in diapers is sick. There's no way you'll ever get me to support it. And as for that inbred sociopath, I'll deal with him."

"Please don't hurt him, Jason." Anna said. "You wouldn't hurt him, would you?"  
"Oh, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of physical assault."  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Anna ended up sleeping on the downstairs couch that nigh. Jason slept in their room upstairs.

As for Bill, Jason had knocked on his door, with Anna standing there. But there had been no answer.


	6. Chapter 6

Anna had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach the following morning. She'd had nightmares all night that she was Nurse Pillbow, and over and over again she was discovering Billy, covered in blood, blood everywhere, blood matting his curls. Sometimes he'd say to her, _"Why didn't you love me Anna, like your grandfather? If you'd paid just half as much attention to me as your grandfather did…"_

"_What do you mean, my grandfather?" Anna said. "You didn't know my grandfather."  
"Why didn't you love me, Anna?" Billy would say. _

"_I do."  
"Then why, oh why did you leave me?" Billy said, a look of intense hurt clouding his beautiful blue eyes. " You must know how unstable I am."_

"_I thought you'd gotten better."  
"Well, I didn't." Billy said angrily. "Why did you leave with him, Candy? Why did you leave with McMurphy?"  
"Stop it, Billy." Anna said angrily. "There is no McMurphy and you know it. And I'm not Candy. Who in the hell is Candy?"  
There was still blood everywhere, and when Billy talked, he had a large gash in throat that flopped open. _

"_Anna," Billy said. "I wish you hadn't left with him. Now I'm dying."  
He sounded rather blasé about it. She noticed that he was wearing his tweed coat, and blood was soaking through it. _

"_Please don't, Billy. Please don't kill yourself." Anna pleaded. "Your life is worth so much more. A precious gift from God. And I don't want you to die. I love you." She pressed his hand to her heart. _

"_It's okay, Anna." said Billy. "I'll come back. I always come back."  
"No, Billy. No one comes back from dying, and…a friend of my stepmother's said those who commit suicide end up civil servants in the afterlife, Billy. You'll be stapling things for all eternity. No quitting this time." _

"_Never mind, Anna. I'm going, and the best thing you can do is go on with your daily routine."  
"But I don't want to have a daily routine without you." Anna said sadly. _

"Billy, I don't want to have a daily routine without you." said Anna in her sleep.

She opened her eyes. It had all been a dream. She wanted to cry with relief. But Billy had still not come downstairs.

Anna went upstairs. She knocked on the door. There was no answer. She turned around to see Jason standing there behind her. He shook his head, and walked over to the door. He rapped on it repeatedly.

"Open this door, you son of a bitch." Jason said.

"Jason!" Anna said angrily. "Billy, if you're in there, please come out. Jason and I have been very worried about you."  
There was a silence. Finally, a frightened, timid voice said. "An-Anna?"  
Anna sighed with relief. "Yes, yes it's Anna. Billy, are you okay in there?"  
"Oh, please." Jason said. "Billy, you're in a whole lot of trouble here."  
"Shut up, Jason!" Anna said, angrily frowning. "Billy, listen, please, please don't hurt yourself. You're life is always worth-

"No, you shut up, Anna." Jason said. "Get out here, and if you don't, I have a key to the door."  
There was a long silence. Finally, Billy said. "J-J-J-Jason, I'm sor-sor-

"You'll be a lot sorrier if you don't get downstairs." Jason said, walking away from the door.

"Billy," Anna said. "Billy, listen. I'd be devastated for the rest of my life if you ever tried to kill yourself again." There was a silence. "No matter what happens, I love you very much. Do you hear me?" She pressed the palm of her hand against the door.

"Oh, for goodness sakes, Anna." Jason said, coming up behind her. "Knock it off."

Anna walked past him, down the staircase, not in time to hear a voice say, "Ok-k-k-kay, An-An-Ann-Anna."

When Billy came downstairs, both Anna and Jason were there.

"All right, Billy." Jason said. "Now, I don't know what you thought Anna said to you yesterday, but she made it clear that you were bothering her."

"No, I didn't." Anna said angrily.

"See, Anna's too polite to say it now, in front of you. But she made it very clear to me yesterday that you really shook her up."  
"I most certainly did not!"

Billy was looking steadily at the floor.

"Billy, none of what Jason is saying is true. He's just angry-

"Not true, Anna? Bill, she said that you were creepy. Do you deny that you said that Anna?"  
"No! I mean, yes. Yes, I do."  
"You did say it." said Jason. Billy looked up, and looked at her, glaring at her.

"Creepy, Anna?" said Billy in a cool, haughty tone, but the undercurrent of hurt was patently obvious. He narrowed his eyes, his lips puckered with anger.

"She definitely did say it, Bill. She also said you looked at her with eyes that were so creepy, she couldn't even describe the shape of them. Do you deny saying _that_, Anna?" Jason looked at her expectantly.

"No, but I was pretending when I said it. I really-

"Didn't sound like you were pretending to me, Anna." Jason said. "At any rate, Anna was so flustered yesterday that she couldn't even stand to stay in the house. We went out, and she didn't want to go back-

"That was because-

"And from what she said, it sounds like you did a heck of a lot more than just look at her."

"I never said anything of the sort, because it's not true. Jason-

"You said it, Anna. Don't deny-

"Okay, you know what?" Billy interrupted. "I did. I kissed Anna. I kissed Anna, and she liked it a great deal." He took a deep breath. "And frankly, it's an experience I've dreamed about, and I'm glad it finally came to fruition." He looked Jason in the eye challengingly.

Jason laughed. "Watch it there, brother."  
"No." Billy said. "No, I won't." He stuck his chin out at Jason defiantly. "She liked it a lot. Right, Anna?"  
"I…" Anna said. "Yes. I did."  
Jason laughed, and shook his head. "Listen, freakazoid-

"Anna cares for me a lot. She said so."  
"Billy, your brain's been damaged by all the shock treatment you've had. A girl like Anna will never like you."  
"Yes, she does. She said so."  
"So you keep saying. She said so. But she said so because she was afraid you'd kill yourself if she didn't."  
Billy looked at Anna. "Were you?"  
"I…"  
"Yeah, Billy. The only reason Anna went along with you is that she was afraid you'd hurt yourself if she said no. She kept telling me last night, how that's the thing she's most afraid of."  
"That's not true."  
"Sure it is. Sounds like you were pretty afraid of that in the hall just a few minutes ago."  
Billy looked up at Jason. There was still a strong look of defiance in his eyes. "She's afraid because she loves me."  
"Nobody loves you, Billy. No girl, anyway. You're far too wretchedly pathetic for a woman to love."  
"Stop it!? said Anna angrily.

Billy was looking at Jason with a very angry, defiant look. "I most certainly am not!" he asserted. "It just so happens, Anna is very attracted to me, and not because she's afraid I'll commit suicide. She's attracted to me because of my charm, and wit, and…and because I remind her of her antique Punch and Judy puppet she had as a kid. Right, Anna?" He smiled at her expectantly, widening his eyes at her. A current of warmth ran through Anna unexpectedly.

"Right." Anna said.

"If I were you, Bill, I'd shut up right now while you were ahead. And also, keep your slimy tongue out of my girlfriend's mouth, and behind those ugly crooked teeth of yours."  
Billy gasped indignantly, balling his hands into fists, but, being Billy, unclenched them, and wrapped one hand around his arm, his shoulders hunched.

"Listen, Bill. Anna doesn't love you. She never did, and she never will. Right, Anna?"  
"Oh, speak for her, why don't you?" Bill said angrily.

"Oh, shut up, you twisted, hunched over, stuttering goon!" Jason said irritably.

"Oh, sticks and stones little brother. Sticks and stones." Billy said. "I don't hear much stuttering coming out of me now, do you?" He looked at Jason, widening his eyes to the extreme. Jason shook his head exasperatedly.

"And I wouldn't care even if Anna didn't love me. I love her. Very much." He looked at Anna. Anna smiled tenderly at him.

"Bill, you'd love anybody who even glanced at you sideways." He paused, smirking at Billy. "Does she remind you of some _other_ petite brunette you used to know."  
"If you mean Nurse Pillbow, then yes. But I never once cared for Nurse Pillbow in the way that I care for Anna." He looked at her. "She's twice the person Nurse Pillbow ever was."

"Yeah. Well, you can be as disgustingly sappy as you want. But it just so happens that I don't believe you actually 'love' Anna, anyway. I believe you have a creepy, middle-aged lust for her. But not love. You know what this is really all about? You're envious of me."  
"I most certainly-

"You are.

"You've always been envious of me. It was our mother who said it first. She said you might smother me in my crib."  
A shocked, hurt expression appeared on Billy's face.

"You've always been envious. Envious because I'm outgoing, and you're backwards. Envious because people like me, and they've been creeped out by you since you were in the first grade." He looked at Jason. "Envious because I graduated college, and you only went one year before being carted off to the loony bin. Because _I _have a life. And you don't have any life at all. So you had to try to steal her."

Bill looked down at the floor. He was hunching his shoulders, it seemed, more than ever.

"Well, you know what?" said Jason. "You shouldn't envy my life, because all it's been so far is one big suicide watch. One big _hellish_ suicide watch."  
Bill squeezed his eyes shut. "Oh. Oh, Jason, old buddy. I never, never meant for it to be." He looked at Jason tenderly, fatherly concern in his eyes. "You were so, so wrong to be on 'suicide watch' all your life. I never would have hurt you that way." He walked over to Jason, and put both arms around him. "I'm so very sorry if that's true."  
He stepped back, and put his hands on Jason's shoulders. "But you should know, I've never once been envious of you. The more you succeed, the more proud I am of you. If I talked against your goal of being a comic book artist, it's only because I wanted you to do what's right. And I wanted you to know, valuing your family is more important than success. But I'm so proud of you. You're much more of a…Jack Nicholson type than I'll ever be in this life." He looked at him sternly. "But if you're willing to talk that way to your older brother, then you're lacking the strength of character that's truly important."

Jason looked up at the ceiling in exasperation.

"See, you think you're so superior, old buddy, but you'll learn the hard way that none of us are truly superior in life. You keep it up, and one day someone's gonna be looking down on you the way you're looking at me right now. Right, Anna?"  
"Right." said Anna. "I happen to know for a fact, Jason got all choked up when he thought of you…of you lying in that psychiatrist's office." She looked down.

Bill looked very uncomfortable at the mention of this experience. He put his arm around Jason. "Right. Well, I'm sorry you even know about it, Jason." He looked at him seriously. "But you never have to worry about that again. And you never did."

Jason looked at Anna irritably, and said to Bill. "No."  
"No?"  
"No. I'm not going to fall for your contrived, homespun bile."  
Bill sniffed with greatly wounded pomp. "There was nothing," he said. "whatsoever contrived about my words to you."

"I say there is. You're a snake in the grass, Bill, and quite frankly, everything about you makes me sick."  
"I most certainly am not!" He stuck his chin out at Jason and said, "Maybe if you'd get your mind off of those large bosomed whores you like to draw so much, and got it on what was right, you'd learn some respect for your older brother." He looked at Jason, and with a gleaming-eyed smile that looked like smugness, and was, but if Jason had looked even slightly closer, he would have seen the obvious affection Bill had for him.

Jason obviously didn't, however.

"Well, I'm sorry." said Jason. "Really, I am. I really shouldn't concentrate on my goals, and evil, evil success. I should work on being a crazy, middle-aged loser like you. Yeah. Then you and I can be crazy misfit, socially retarded, unmarried, outcasts together, like you always wanted. You can ruin my life, and drag me down with you. That's what I really should do. Well, it's not going to happen."  
Bill looked at Jason with pity in his eyes. "Jason. You're hurting yourself by saying this."

"Well, that's funny, because I feel darned good about saying it."  
"You know, I raised you better than this." said Bill, looking at him sadly.

"You didn't raise me at all. Not at all." Jason hesitated for a moment, looking as though he might be trying to stop himself from saying the words, but he had gone far already, and was clearly prepared to go even further. "In fact, you didn't have any affect on my life at all. None whatsoever. Except a bad one. You've never…" He paused, sniffling a little. "I wish you'd-

"Oh, Jason. No." said Bill. He put a hand on his shoulder. "I love you so much, Jason. Please. Don't say something we'll all regret."

"I wish…it would have been better for us all, Anna, myself, everyone you'd met, if you'd-

"Jason, don't." Anna said softly.

"Mom, said…that Dr. Spivey said you came very close to..to dying in that office, but they were able to press the artery…but…but it would have been better for all concerned if in that psychiatrist's office-

"Jason," Bill said, his eyes not quite meeting Jason's, his voice tight with effort to keep from breaking entirely. "I hope you think long and hard before finishing that sentence. Jason, the rest of that sentence would rip my heart in two." Bill said, shrinking away into the wall, for a moment, but then he straightened up, and said, "Not so much for myself, Jason. For you."  
"I mean," he said. "what kind of person are you if you'd say that to someone?"  
"The least of all," he added. "your older brother. Who's been your closest friend, and confidant for all your life."  
"No," said Jason. "_Anna_ has been my closest friend for years. Who you've always been extremely jealous of. Except now that you have the hots for her."  
"That's not the way it is at all, but I don't care if I was a jealous, controlling monster-

"You were."  
"I most certainly was not, but even if I was, Jason," said Bill, looking at him severely. "You don't _ever_, ever say anything like that to me."  
There was a silence.

"Yeah." said Jason, finally. "I guess….I went a little too far."  
"You certainly did."  
"I…I didn't mean it, okay?"

"Well, that is good to know, Jason." said Bill.  
"But the rest…you're scum to me. A sleaze who lusts after twenty one year olds by playing the pity card. I don't want anything to do with you."  
"No, Jason. It's not like that at all, and-

"I say it is. And you don't really think you're going to go off into the sunset with Anna, do you? That life is going to be one big group therapy meeting, and she's going to be the Nurse Pillbow you never had?" He shook his head. "No."  
"Jason-

"I'm sure our mother will not be very happy to hear of this." He looked at Bill. "Especially since I'm the one she favors, and you're the one she'd rather not have people know about. And, you know what? Mom was always partial to Anna." It was true. Mrs. Bibbit had always looked upon Anna with some degree of favor. Anna's parents and Mrs. Bibbit had in fact been quite good friends with each other, ever since Anna and Jason had met, and become friends, in elementary school.

Jason looked at Anna. "You want to get on Mom's bad side, Anna?"  
Anna snorted derisively. "Please. You really think I care about that?"  
"Well, I know someone who does." Jason looked at Bill.

Bill shook his head. "I really am sorry for you, Jason."  
"Yeah, well, that sure is big talk for someone who said he used to cringe at the sound of Mom drawing in a breath." He looked at Jason. "Shouldn't have told me all your little secrets."  
"I do wonder, though, what happened to that sweet little boy who used to memorize all the Elvis Presley songs?" Bill said, looking at Jason with sad, sad eyes.

"Anna, if you really want this inbred mountain troll, I have only this to say: you'll be very sorry. Very sorry."  
"Now just a minute, Jason. Don't threaten Anna like that." Bill said softly.  
"What threat? It's a statement of fact. You'll be very sorry you met this lunatic within the first five minutes."  
"Jason, that's enough." said Anna.

"You're smug now, but you won't be when he lets his hair down around you. He'll make a wreck of your life, Anna." He looked at her. "Oh, and say goodbye to being an artist. Say goodbye to even being an art _teacher_. Bill hates success."

"And say goodbye to any opinions, or tastes, of your own that Bill doesn't agree with." Jason continued.  
"All right, that's enough, Jason." said Bill.

"Oh, and I sure hope you don't like that family of yours. You won't be seeing anyone else. Not your mother, your father, brother, sister." said Jason. "Or your friends, and on, and on, and on. And on." Jason looked at Anna pointedly.

"All right, that's quite enough out of you, Jason!" Bill said, looking very nettled and uncomfortable.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Bill." Jason said. "Was I raving?"  
"Yes, you were." Anna said.

"Well, then, Anna, I certainly hope you enjoyed that raving, because Bill will be doing a lot of it when you're around him." He looked at Bill. "In fact, that's all he does."  
"I most certainly do not. I never rave."  
"Oh, right. He cries, too." He looked at Anna. "Buy stock in tissues."  
Bill unfortunately proved Jason's point at that very moment by sniffling, and saying, "Well, Jason, to me you'll always be that cute little boy who called me 'Porky Pig'."  
"Damnit, Bill. For your own sake, have a little dignity."  
"And when you were a little boy, you said…" his voice broke. "said we'd be friends..to the end."  
"Yeah, well." said Jason. "This is the end. Friend."

"Jason!" Anna said indignantly. "How could you be so-

"Oh, shut up, Anna." Jason said crossly, and left the room.

And that was the last time the two saw each other for seventeen years.


	7. Chapter 7

Seventeen years passed.

A few months after Jason left, Anna and Bill got married at a courthouse.

In spring of the following year, Anna graduated from college with an associate's degree in art. Shortly before her graduation ceremony, Anna had a test of a different kind. This one had a plus sign.

Karen Anna Bibbit was born February of the following year. She was named after _Easy Rider _and _Five Easy Pieces _star Karen Black.

Karen grew to be a beautiful girl, with her mother's dark hair, and her father's intense blue eyes. Her father said when she was born, that she was a beautiful, beautiful butterfly.

Life was not always perfect, however. While wildly exaggerated, Jason's ideas were not entirely inaccurate. Being shy and a loner, Bill often did not appreciate other people around. Anna had few friends, and the few she did have were heavily discouraged by Bill, who was not exactly fond of sharing her, or Karen for that matter, with other people. And Anna and Bill often had their struggles over things. Sometimes Anna could have a sharp tongue. Sometimes she said things that she regretted. And sometimes, she got a trifle annoyed when Bill trotted out the Chief's wisdom patronizingly.

But life, and their marriage was generally very happy. Bill, whose stutter would pop up periodically before, especially in the company of his mother, rarely if ever stuttered after he married her. A fact he often reminded her of when they were in more romantic mode, and a fact she was greatly touched to hear him acknowledge. Karen was in fact quite surprised to hear that her father used to have a stutter.

Mrs. Bibbit was quite unhappy, as expected, to learn of their union. When she first saw them after learning of their marriage, her reaction included mentioning 'worm' and 'overactive thyroid', and 'couldn't remember that Nixon was president.',in reference to the fact that Billy had undergone shock therapy in the seventies, which made him forget. And, the worst thing of all, slapping her forty-two year old son in the face. Hard.

Which was of course, something Anna simply would not tolerate, and told her just what she thought of her treatment of her son. She was not exactly humbled by Anna's rebuke, however.

Bill, on the other hand, was more than humbled by the incident. In the car on the way back to their apartment, he sat twisted in the seat, leaning to one side. That had been one of the few times his stutter had come back full-fledge. He went into quite a depression for awhile.

But, in the car, on the way back, Bill had several times squeezed Anna's hand, and at one moment, during the journey, he had said to her, "Ann-Ann-Ann-Anna?"

"Yes, Bill?" she said, worriedly.

"I-I l-l-lov-love y-you." He looked at her, a kind of fear in his eyes, perhaps a distrust that came about every time a bad scrape with his mother occurred.

"I love you too, Bill." Anna said.

But, following this incident, Billy had not once spoken of suicidal urges, nor had he at all seemed suicidal to her.

When Anna was pregnant with Karen, the two of them moved across the country, to a smaller town. Karen was raised a southern girl.

Anna became an art teacher at the same elementary school where Karen attended. Bill had the responsibilities of being a stay-at home dad, a job at which he did well.

As a child, Karen and her father were very, very close. Karen was quite a spunky, outgoing young lady, more like Anna, and unlike her father, she would tolerate no nonsense from bullies at school. This sometimes led to a few problems at school, what with the parents of other children complaining that Karen had made them cry, and, more often than not, given them bloody noses, or torn out their hair ribbons. Karen's parents always gave her stern lectures on how fighting back with your fists is never the answer. Karen insisted that these were bullies, who had hit first. Her parents gave strict lectures on how she should turn the other cheek, or get an adult if the child hit. Sometimes these were coupled with aphorisms about not fighting and peace that the Chief may or may not have in actuality said, it was sometimes hard for Anna to tell. Anna strongly encouraged Bill to stick with the 'turn the other cheek' philosophy, and lay off the chief's supposed wisdom for the time being.

Bill had been quite sad to learn of the Chief's passing. He had learned of it quite late, some fourteen years after Chief Bromden had died, by doing an Internet search under the Chief's name. Bill had been quite broken up by this. Karen, then seven, had overheard them discussing it when she passed by their bedroom.

She had later asked who had died. There was a pause.

"Oh…just a friend of Daddy's. Mr. Bromden." said Anna.

"_Chief_ Bromden." Bill corrected her.

"Chief? Is he the man who always said those wise sayings?" Karen asked.

"Yes. He is." Bill said.

"How come he died?"

"Well," Bill said sadly. "I guess it was just his time."  
"Oh."

There was a silence.

"Did you live on a reservation, Daddy? When you were a hippie? Is that how you knew the Chief?"

A very long pause occurred.

"Uh…" Anna finally said. "No, sweetie. Daddy never lived on a reservation. The Chief was a friend of Daddy's in college."

Bill looked at Anna, hurt. He took a deep breath.

"Karen, I think the time has come for me to be open with you about something." he said. Anna felt a pang of horror. "Um…Bill? Can I talk to you in the kitchen for a sec?"  
"Oh, sure, Anna. Right after I discuss with Karen-

"_Now_, Bill."  
After a private chat about why being "open" about the true place where he met the Chief might not be such a great idea, especially for a seven year old, they returned to the living room.

"Well, Karen…it seems I have something to confess to you."  
"Yes, Daddy?" Karen waited expectantly.

"Well, you see, the truth about the Chief is…well, some of those wise sayings he said, I may have made up myself."

"Oh."  
"Some. Not all." Bill hastily added. "He really did say some wise things. He was a great man."  
"Oh. Okay." Karen said.

Two years after that, they found out that Charles Cheswick had also died. The three of them took a trip to visit both his grave, and the grave of the Chief as well.

Upon Karen's first visit to her grandmother Bibbit's house, when she was of an age to talk, Bill was full of frantic instructions to Anna that Anna "make sure she knows how well Karen talks.", and "how poised Karen is." and tightening of her pigtails, and obsessive straightening of her socks and cuffs, until Anna had to tell him in the gentlest way possible to back off, which was not a statement Bill responded to well when it came to his daughter, or much else these days, either. In the ensuing years since they had married, Bill had developed a rather cantankerous layer to his personality, which, although it made Anna glad he had toughened up a bit, could be quite a pain for her to deal with, especially during disputes about how to raise their daughter.

But upon meeting her granddaughter, Mrs. Bibbit for the most part quite taken with little Karen, so much so that she at one point looked over at Karen and said, "My, the apple has fallen far from the tree. Of course, you know what apples have in them sometimes, Karen?"  
Bill tightened his lips, and hunched over in his seat. Anna's stomach clenched.

"What, Grandma?"  
"Worms." said Mrs. Bibbit. She looked over at Bill, hunched in his seat, his eyes fixed in a frown. A single tear rolled down his cheek, but he didn't move. His jaw was sticking out in a very angry, though terrified and worried, expression. Anna felt that things could not possibly have gone worse.

"Worms, Karen sweetheart, are twisted, soft, weak little creatures. Don't ever be one."  
Karen looked at her grandmother. And at her father hunched in his seat, in a twisted, rather wretched looking posture. And to Anna's amazement, Karen quickly figured out, when most six year olds would not. Bright indeed, Karen, in that moment _knew_ what her grandmother meant.

More amazing still, Karen swiftly stood up from her place at the kitchen table.

"Don't you dare call my Daddy a worm, Grandma!" Karen said. "My Daddy's a sweet, sweet man! You made my Daddy cry. Take it back, Grandma, or I won't love you anymore! You take it back!" Tears streamed down Karen's face, and she fled the table.

There was a lecture, though not as stern as would have been in normal circumstances, about speaking respectfully to one's elders, especially grandmothers, and Mrs. Bibbit received an apology from Karen. And though she herself did not apologize for the thing that she had said that upset Karen, Mrs. Bibbit was markedly quieter and more reserved when Karen was around. And she certainly never mentioned the topic of worms again.

Jason had indeed become a comic book artist, just as he'd always said he would. In fact, Jason had played up his 'Jack Nicholson' persona into his public image as an artist, often saying at comic book conventions that he was told he reminded people of this actor, and parlaying this persona into dealings with his fans. He also parlayed his own garrulous persona into all dealings with the public. Most comic book fans knew him as one of the few suave, non-nerdy comic book artists, quite a rarity indeed. Jason had quite a few female fans, as he could be quite charming and witty, but was beloved and admired by male fans as well. "Greetings and salutations." (a phrase Jason had often said in high school and beyond.) was a catchphrase he used when speaking at comic book conventions.

A lot of this they knew from , who Jason was on very good terms with, and she with him, particularly now that he had turned out so successful. They also knew from Bill's mother that Jason had married a female artist that he had met in New York, not long after he had broken up with Anna. They had a daughter together.

But many aspects of Jason's comic book career were not told to them by Mrs. Bibbit, but rather followed with painstaking effort by Bill. Bill had actively looked, in all the years that he had been estranged from him, for Jason's name in every comic book that he could find. And, starting in about 1998, when Jason had started to become quite successful in the comic book industry, he had, of course, found it.

And Bill saved every issue, buying two copies each time, that Jason had ever published work in. He also read, and memorized, every comic book story that Jason had ever published work in. It was rather disconcerting, as you did not see many fifty-nine year old men who had memorized entire comic book stories. Who could quote, word for word, passages from said stories. But Bill could. Anna suspected that he was poring over Jason's work to see if there was some aspect of the stories that might possibly be based on himself, or on his time with Jason, or reflect some influence that he had had on Jason's outlook. Or even just see some aspect of the way that Jason was now.

Bill, a person who usually wore his heart on his sleeve, and was the most honest, candid person Anna had ever known, would never, ever, admit to her the reason why he was so obsessed with Jason's stories. He just said it was for 'sentimental value', and felt that, since he had a brother who'd had published work of any kind, it only made sense that he should collect his work. So Anna knew that it must be very, very hard for Bill to come to grips with his feelings about Jason.

In the whole of seventeen years, Jason had not written, called, or spoken with Bill in any way. No communication. Though Bill had tried.

Jason's feelings were clear, and outlined, in sneaky ways, by Mrs. Bibbit, though she had been markedly less abusive, overtly, anyway, to Bill ever since the Karen incident. Jason felt, as he had stated all those years ago, that Bill had done him grievous wrong. Betrayed him. That Bill was a "snake in the grass' as Jason had put it, and that he was not to be trusted, even physically dangerous.

Anna didn't believe that Jason even actually thought any of this, certainly not the physically dangerous part. What Anna believed, what she had always believed, was that  
Jason simply didn't want to be bothered with Bill. He considered him to be a weight. An embarrassment. A hindrance to his lifestyle, and to his success. Jason had said to Anna, on many occasions, that he didn't want to be "stuck taking care of Bill".

Anna would never say this to Bill, of course. Such words as these would hurt him deeply.

Anna also felt that Jason was just using their getting together as an excuse, because shortly after their breakup, a girl they both knew had told her that he had been for quite sometime taking out a girl he met at the comic book store during the time that he was with her. No wonder he had seemed so nonchalant when she had told him about meeting someone else.

But, nonetheless, Anna had always known that his estrangement from Jason was a tough pill for Bill to swallow. Although Anna and Karen were first and foremost his family, and he loved them more than anyone else, there had always been a hole there, where he had been close to Jason. Although Jason had not been close to him since he'd been a child, and in fact had treated him very callously and often cruelly as a young adult, Bill harbored no bitterness towards him. Well, no more than a wounded, fatherly, pompous kind of bitterness, that Jason had dared to speak to him in the way that he had when he was a young adult. A bitterness that would no doubt be forgotten if Jason ever tried to make up with him. But Anna knew that he never would. And she had no doubt of it, in her mind whatsoever.

Anna still knew it, one day in spring, when Bill suggested they take a trip to San Francisco, to visit Anna's parents. This was fine with her, when Bill mentioned that there would be a comic book convention in town that week.

"Oh, no. Bill." Anna said sadly. "You can't be serious."  
"Why not?"  
"Because." Anna said. "We both know what you want to go to that convention to do. Who you want to see there."  
"Well, what's wrong with that?" Bill demanded to know.

"Because, Bill." Anna said. "You'll get hurt. He won't want to talk to you."  
"Anna, for goodness sakes, they have a signing. A signing of his work. I'm not going to loudly proclaim to him in front of everybody who I am. You think I'm an idiot, don't you?"  
"No." Anna said. "But-

"I'll just go there. Get the comic book signed. I'll say hello. It's nice to see you." He looked at Anna. "It's not like he can make a scene. He's not going to risk damaging his professional credibility. I know Jason and his ego, Anna."  
"Yes, well, Bill, scene or no scene, he'll find _some _way to hurt you. Trust me."  
"There's no way he can hurt me, Anna."  
"Oh, please, Bill." Anna said. "Please."  
"It's the truth. You think I'm crazy, naïve Bill, don't you, Anna? You think I'd make a scene, and start crying, and embarrass him. Don't you." Bill's already protruding eyes began to swell up in his head, similar to the way a hooded lizard rears its neck frill.

"Blood pressure, for goodness sakes, Bill." Anna said. "Maybe bring the size of your eyes down to, I don't know, slightly less Marty Feldman proportions?"  
"You think I'll do that in front of him, don't you, Anna? Bug my eyes out in front of everyone, start getting red in the face-

"Please don't." Anna said. "I really wish you wouldn't even do it at home. I really do worry about your blood pressure."

"Next you'll be saying you're worried about my high thyroid levels."  
"Oh, please." Anna said. "I am not her. Don't you start saying I remind you of your mother." She sighed ruefully. "Don't you know I really do worry about you, Bill?"  
"Why?" said Bill accusatorially. "Because I was in a mental hospital?"  
"No, and will you hush that up? Karen might hear you."

"Oh, so you're so embarrassed for Karen to know her dad was in a mental hospital once, huh?"  
"Mostly I'm concerned for your sake that she'll use it against you. You know how teenagers can be. She's a little young to know. Besides, maybe she should just never know. You know, you don't _have _to tell your children everything. That's the mistake you made with Jason."  
"Oh, and what's that supposed to mean?" Bill said indignantly.

"Exactly what I just said." Anna retorted.

They fought like this for several weeks. Finally, after much wrangling, jaw-jutting, and eye-bulging, Bill finally browbeat her into letting him buy a ticket. There wasn't much she could do to stop him, short of refusing to go. But she wasn't about to do that, if for no other reason than Bill, as he'd gotten older, had begun to be less and less the timid, meek Billy of yesteryear, and more and more high strung, with a bit of a tendency to get irritable, and red faced, which made it tough for him to deal with people. An aspect of his personality which was no doubt lying dormant all those years ago, all the way back in 1975, the 'not stapled right?' debacle. Fortunately, Anna and Karen were with him most of the time, to smooth things over.

All this was what she told him one evening when they were packing for the trip.

"That's why you're going? You're afraid I'm crazy, and will get into trouble?"  
"I didn't _use_ the word 'crazy', but…" She bit her lip. "You know that movie 'European Vacation', where the German girl says 'I hear bells! That means there's going to be a hanging.' and the son thinks, 'Dad!'?"

"Oh, so you think I'll make some kind of scene, and people will want to hang me?"  
"Well, they wanted to hang Clark Griswold, and he didn't have great big, bulging eyes, and a great big pointy-

"Anna!" Bill said, shocked.

"Hat." Anna said. "I was going to say hat. Not 'jaw'."  
"Really, Anna." Bill said irritably, shaking his head.

"Well, you know Bill, it's just that you _can _be a little…" _Insane_. she thought, but quickly banished that thought away. "high-strung." she finished. "Irritable. So that's why I think I should go along, and keep your temper in check."  
"Oh, really?" Bill said, looking at her with greatly widened eyes, the hooded lizard phenomenon.

"Really." Anna said.

"Anna.." Bill said. "I…I never realized…that was what you thought of me." He looked down at the carpet. Anna softened, when she realized that the shy, sweet, meek Billy wasn't gone at all, just varnished with a few layers of defense.

"Oh, Billy." Anna said. She walked over to him, and hugged him. "I think you're covering up."

"Covering up what?" said Bill.

"Covering up the fact that you get hurt easily." said Anna, stroking his hair.

"I guess." said Bill.

"It's true." Anna said. "I wish it weren't, sometimes." She bit her lip. "You're a sensitive soul."  
Bill smiled affectionately at her, in that way he had of smiling, tightly, lips pursed. It always made Anna's heart melt, and now was no exception.

"To me you'll always be that guy with the big blue eyes, and the sweet, fragile heart." Anna said.

Bill looked at Anna, a sulky expression on his face, but she could tell he was just pretending. "Big? You said they were bulging a moment ago."  
"I was just kidding." Anna said. "Besides, I didn't say that they were _always_ bulging. I just meant that you sometimes get angry, and bug them out really huge, kind of like the way a frilled lizard-

"Lizard?" Bill said angrily. "Oh, so I have eyes like that of a lizard, huh?"  
"No, no, that's not what I meant-

"Oh, save it, Anna." said Bill.

"It isn't!" Anna exclaimed. "I said that bulging out your eyes is a defense mechanism, kind of like the way a hooded lizard rears its neck frills."  
"Oh. Well. That makes it okay, then." said Bill sarcastically.

"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Bill." Anna said.

"I know, Anna." Bill said.

"You have beautiful blue eyes." said Anna.

"Okay." said Bill. There was a pause.

"But my heart's not so fragile, Anna." Bill said, looking at her seriously. "You'd be surprised what I can take."  
"I know." said Anna. She looked at him with motherly concern. "I'm glad."  
She stepped over to him, and hugged him.

"Hey, Anna." Bill said.

"Yes, Bill?"

"You know that time when Jason was knocking on the door, after he found out about the two of us?"  
"Yes."  
"And you said to me that you'd be devastated for the rest of your life if…if I ever tried to kill myself?" He looked at her, and his eyes were filled with strong emotion. He took her hand.

"I do, Bill."  
"Well, you know, I cried after you said that to me, Anna." said Bill. "That was the most beautiful thing…that you've ever said to me."  
"You cried?"  
"Sure." said Bill. "I might cry again, if I think of it, as a matter of fact."  
"_I _might cry, if I think about how glad I was that you were okay that day."

"Well, you shouldn't have been worried about me hurting myself, Anna." said Bill.

"I was, though." Anna said. "I had nightmares all night that you were dead."  
"Well, I wasn't." said Bill crossly.

"Really?" Anna said sarcastically. She shook her head. "See how ungrateful you are?"  
"I'm not, Anna." Bill said.

:Of course," Anna said. "Now I'm worried I might find you dead someday, since you're so much older."  
"Anna!" said Bill angrily. "Would you cut that out? You don't think I want to hear that, do you?"  
"Well, it's something that worries me." Anna sniffled.

"You've been saying that since we were first married. I remember you were pregnant with Karen, and I'd find you in the bathroom crying your eyes out. I asked you what was wrong, and you'd say you were thinking that we wouldn't grow old together. That really offends me, Anna." Bill said irritably.

"I'm sorry." Anna said. "I really am."

"When you're sixty-five, I'll be eighty-six."  
"Yeah." Anna said, looking at the floor.

"Lots of people live to be eighty-six, Anna."  
"I know."  
"They do." said Bill.

"Okay." said Anna.

"Of course, it might not be too pleasant for you." said Bill.

"What will change, then?" said Anna, but she smiled.

"Very funny. But there might be a lot of changing, Anna."  
"Thanks for that, Bill." Anna said.

"Maybe you don't want to take care of me when I'm that age, Anna. Maybe all this talk about you worrying about me dying before you is actually wishful thinking."  
Anna rolled her eyes. "No, Bill." she said. "I'd be glad to. I love doing things for you." She bit her lip.

"Being the proper mother you never had." To make up for his mother's abusive, neglectful, attitude, Anna often took care to let Bill know that he was loved, often making special dinners, and cutting the crusts off his sandwiches, and so forth, but mostly, she felt, as she had told Jason all those years ago, responsible and protective, like she'd been designated to look out for him.

"I'm like your mother." Anna said. "And you can be my baby." She took his hand.

"Well, I hope there won't ever be a time when, I'm too much like a baby, Anna." said Bill.

"Okay, Bill." Anna said. "I'm sure. But I'd be glad to do it, just in case."  
"I know you would."  
"I had a dream one night-

"That I was dead, and covered in blood, Anna?" Bill said.

"No, not that one. This was a different dream. It was when I was pregnant with Karen. I dreamed that there were these undernourished Siamese kittens with kind of sad, bulging blue eyes, and-

"Anna…"  
"Don't laugh. There was a whole litter of them. They were nipping at my heels, and"…she bit her lip. "I could tell that these kittens had been abandoned, and abused. But they were also very demanding, and pesty. And…they kept asking, over and over, 'Will you be my motherboard?' And they kept biting me."  
"That's a very strange dream, Anna." said Bill.

"I know it is. You know what was even stranger?" Anna said.

"What?"  
"I woke up just then, and you were biting me." Anna said.

"Huh."

Anna grinned at him. "You weren't saying that, too, were you? What the cats were saying in the dream?"  
"No, of course not, Anna." said Bill. He looked at the floor nervously.

"Then I had another dream." said Anna. "that there was this poodle."  
"What did he do?"  
"Well…" Anna said. "I'm not sure that you can take it."  
"I surely can, Anna." said Bill. "I can take anything."  
"Okay. Well…this was a cute poodle. A curly brown poodle."  
"It was me, right?"  
"Well…I'm not definitely saying it was you, but…you see, this was a talking poodle. And it had a southern accent."  
Bill grinned at her. Anna smiled too, hesitantly.

"And…well, you see, it was strange, but…well…the little dog threatened to….um." She took a deep breath. "He threatened to…there was this box of Whitman's Sampler, and the little dog threatened to eat it. The whole box."

Bill stopped smiling.

"I can't help what I dream, can I?" said Anna. "Anyway, this was quite a naughty little poodle, so I had to punish him. I hated to do it, but I finally put him in a closet, and locked him in. And he said, "No, Mommy. Please. Please don't leave me. I don't like the dark." She looked at him.

"Why, Anna?" Bill said, shaking his head sorrowfully.

"I didn't mean any offense Bill." Anna said. "You're not mad, are you?"

"I never threatened you with suicide, Anna." Bill said.

"I know." said Anna. "It was just a dream."

"A hurtful dream."  
"I can't help what I dream." said Anna. "You know that."  
"I guess." said Bill.

Anna hugged him. "Please, Bill. Don't be mad." she pleaded.

"Those are some strange dreams you had, Anna." said Bill.

"They sure were. But it shows I'm worried about you."  
"I guess they show you want me to be your baby." said Bill.

"Well, will you?" said Anna.

"Sure." said Bill. "I'll be your baby."

The day they went to the convention, Anna had nightmares all night. She awoke feeling depressed.

Bill had decided, much to Anna's dismay, that he would go to the signing by himself. His reasoning was that Jason, since he had a spite against Bill, might become consumed with jealousy if he saw her. Also, he did not want Jason to meet Karen, since he was worried that he might have a spite against her upon meeting her, since she was Bill's daughter with Anna.

Anna did not like this one bit.

"I know you like to think you'll be there to protect me, and I appreciate it, but really, Anna, that's a man's job to protect his wife."  
"Oh, really?" Anna said angrily. "Where did you hear that, a Jack Nicholson movie?"  
"It's true, Anna, and it's also true that I'm a grown man, with all his mental faculties intact. I don't need to anybody there to look out for me."  
"Well, maybe you just don't need me at all, Bill." said Anna.

"Of course I need you. Don't say that. I'll need you for the rest of my life." Bill looked at her with tenderness in his eyes.

This was a moment where Anna would usually melt, but she was too angry and hurt this time.

"I thought that you would want my support, Bill. That's why I'd be there. That's why a spouse usually comes along. To give support."  
"I know, Anna." Bill looked ashamed, and he looked at Anna longingly. "I wish…I do wish you could be there."  
"I could be. I'll go get ready now."  
"No…" said Bill.

"And why not?" said Anna angrily.

"Because…" He looked at the floor.

"Because why, Bill?"  
"Because…because I don't want you to see if something…if he…if I…" Bill clasped his hands, looking at the floor.

Anna softened. "Bill, I won't hold it against you. I won't say 'I told you so'."  
"That's not what I'm worried about, Anna." Bill said. "I just don't want you to be there if Jason…he can be very cruel, you know. Who knows what he might say to me."  
"Nothing I haven't heard before." said Anna. "You don't think it'll change my mind about you after all these years, do you?"  
"Of course not." said Bill. "I just…I don't want to be humiliated in front of you."

Anna felt that he would benefit from her being there, but very reluctantly, she agreed that she and Karen would stay behind.

"You look nice." Anna said, after Bill had gotten ready.

"You think he'll recognize me?" said Bill.

"Of course." said Anna. "You don't look that different."

"I've gone all gray after all these years. Maybe I should have dyed my hair."

"I don't think so." Anna said. "You look great."  
"Thank you, Anna."

Anna looked at the copy of a comic book in his hands. "You know, Jason always said I looked like Veronica."  
"Hmmm." Bill said.

"You're not jealous, are you?"  
"You look a thousand times better than a few squiggles on a comic book page." said Bill.

"Don't tell that to Jason. Those squiggles are how he makes his living."  
"You don't really think I am, are you?"  
"Don't be so defensive. I'm just saying."  
"Besides, I always thought you were more like Betty. You know, one time you and Jason were broken up in high school, and he was dating this little blonde girl." said Bill. "And… he never brought her over like he brought you over to our house. That was because you were a girl people would want around. Easy to get along with, and all that. More like Betty. She was always the diplomatic one. Always trying to resolve other people's problems."  
Anna smiled. "That's very sweet, Bill."

"I mean it." said Bill. "That's what attracted both Jason and me to you. Because of what was inside more than external beauty."  
Anna hugged him. He kissed her neck tenderly. They stayed that way for a minute.

Anna and Karen both said goodbye to Bill, and he left to take the shuttle to the signing.

Anna and Karen stayed behind in the hotel room, watching TV.

"Will Dad be okay, Mom?" Karen said.

"I sure hope so, honey." Anna said.

"You think he's going to get hurt?"

"If I know Jason, then…he's going to be less than glad to see your dad."

"What do you think he'll do?"  
"I don't know."  
"If he's a jerk to Dad, can I go tell him off?"

"You can beat the stuffing out him if he is." She bit her lip. "Not really. Remember what the chief said about fighting."  
"Yeah." Karen said. "A big shot like Dad's brother would probably have security around him and stuff, anyway."

"We could chance it." Anna said. "But you know, maybe we're worrying for nothing. Maybe they'll reconnect, and become great friends again. Maybe Jason's changed."

But Anna felt that it was too much to hope that that was true.

Bill returned to the room a couple of hours later. Anna and Karen were on the couch of the hotel room.

He didn't even have to say anything. Anna knew by only the look on his face that things had not gone well. Karen did, too. She got up, as did Anna.

Anna walked over to Bill, and held her arms out. He walked into them silently, leaning against her shoulder. He said nothing for a few minutes. Karen put her hand on his shoulder.

"Dad, are you okay?" Karen said worriedly.

Bill sniffed a little. "What makes you think I'm not okay?" he said.

Anna looked at him. His eyes were red around the edges, a little.

"Oh, Anna." said Bill. "I'm so, so sorry." He pressed his forehead to hers.

"For what, Bill?" Anna said softly.

"You were…you tried to tell me, and I…" He looked at her sorrowfully. "I'm just so grateful for you. You too." He looked at Karen. "You're both so concerned about me. And I was so ungrateful."  
"When? When were you ungrateful?" Anna said.

"All the time. I'm just so cross, and irritable, you probably think I resented your concern. I just…wanted you to know that I can take care of myself. Now you think I'm not grateful, and I just…" Bill began tugging a lock of his hair, teeth clenched. Anna winced.

"Dad." Karen said. "Stop that." She led him over to the couch, and sat there with her father, holding his hand.

Anna looked at Karen and Bill, and suddenly felt for the first time in sixteen years, that she did not have the situation in hand in any way, and felt afraid even, of Bill, wishing traitorously that their fifteen year old daughter would deal with things this time, taking the pressure off of her. Anna felt irrationally guilty, and for a minute worried that he would somehow blame her for whatever had gone on with Jason. There was a silence.

"Bill," Anna said finally. "would you like a glass of water?"  
"Okay, Anna." said Bill.

Anna got a Styrofoam cup, and filled it at the sink silently. She walked over to Bill, and sat next to him. After he had taken a sip, she asked tentatively, "Well? What…what happened?"  
Bill looked at the floor.

Anna, who only a minute ago had felt stunned, and dazed to see Bill pulling a lock of his own hair, put that feeling to rest permanently, and reached over, and hugged Bill fiercely.

"Tell me." she said firmly, squeezing his hand. She looked up at him.

Bill looked very disconsolate. "Well," he said. "I went to the signing."  
"Okay." said Anna.

"There was a long line of people-

"Nerds." Karen interjected.

"I suppose so." said Bill. "Anyway, there were quite a few people. It was a long wait."

"Did you see him?" Anna said.

"I did. Finally, it was my turn in the line. So I walked up to his table, with the…the comic book in my hand."  
"Has he aged well?"  
"You've seen his picture, on his website."  
"I have." said Anna. "He's losing his hair. Maybe he likes that, though. More like Jack Nicholson."

Bill sniffled sadly. "Yes, well. He doesn't look bad."  
"I didn't say he did." Anna said.

"Anyway, I was next in line, and I held out the comic book."  
"And what did he say?"  
"He said, 'Greetings and salutations.'."  
"Oh."  
"That's what he said to everybody, you see. And I could tell that he didn't recognize me at first. But then, a few seconds later, he did. I could tell by his expression."  
"And what did he say?"  
"Well, when I saw that he recognized me, I tried to say hello, but then I…" He looked miserable, and his posture was rigid. He looked down at his lap.

"Bill?" Anna said, stroking his hair.

"And then I…I did something I really hate, I started to…to stutter, Anna, and…" He began to cry.

"Oh, no." Anna whispered softly. She squeezed his hand. "Karen, pass us the tissues." Karen got up silently, and handed her father a box of tissues.

Bill sniffed. His posture was very rigid, and hunched over. Anna continued to stroke his hair.

"Well," said Anna finally. "it's okay. It's okay, because you're brave, Bill, and no one holds it against you if you stutter from time to time."  
"Or even all the time." Karen added fervently.

"Thank you." Bill said, hugging his daughter. "But it really is…all these years I've been able to talk without a stutter freely, I thought I'd be able to talk to my own brother with no trouble. But it's different. It's different now. He's a big success now."

"Well," Anna said. "you'll do better next time."

"What happened then?" Anna asked.

"Well, I was struggling to formulate a sentence, and…" Bill's eyes filled with tears.

"Shhhh." Anna said, leaning her head against his shoulder.

"And then Jason…he said…he said…" Bill straightened up, and looked at her. "He said to me, 'Can I sign that for you, sir?'"  
Anna frowned. " 'Sir'?"

"Yeah. Yeah, he..he pretended that he didn't recognize me. Or I should say, that he didn't _know _me."

Anna bit her lip. She looked down at the ground sadly, feeling very angry at Jason.

"So I said, 'I see you have a lot of fans here, Jason.' And Jason says, 'I sure do. Sometimes I have crazy ones, too. Ones I don't want anywhere near me.'"  
Anna shook her head. "Oh, Bill…"  
"Then he turns to this young brunette girl next to him, and says 'Must be another complainer about our continuity change, I see, Melanie."  
"What did she say?"  
"She smiled, and nodded. And then I walked away."  
Anna sighed. "Bill, I-

"But before I could get very far away, I heard him say to his assistant 'Remember that middle-aged villain with a balding ponytail that that thought comic books were responsible for all the evils of the world? Tried to destroy the world's oldest comic book? What was his name?'"  
"Well, you can take comfort that just the fact that he knows such an arcane reference would give most normal people pause."

"Yeah. I guess. He hasn't grown up too much, either. He obviously, no matter how far he's gotten, still resents the fact that I disapproved of comic books when he was a kid."  
"Yeah. See, I knew he'd be like that. He always resented the most petty things. And he'd never forget anything."  
"Don't I know it." Bill said. "But it still hurts, Anna."

"I know it does, Bill." Anna said.

"Want me to go beat him up for you, Dad?" Karen asked hopefully.

"I don't think that'd be a great way to introduce yourself to your uncle, Karen." said Bill.

"That creep." said Anna. "I'd like to tell him off, myself. But as I'm sure you can see for yourself, talking to him will do absolutely no good."

"Yes. I do, Anna." said Bill. "But I had a lot of thinking to do on the way back on the shuttle, and do you know what I came up with?"  
"What?"

"Well," said Bill. "Jason is my brother, and he always will be. Once, years ago, he was like a son to me. But that was a long time ago. And we're two different people."  
"Right." Anna said.

"But the thing is, even though I knew we were very different, I always thought we had a special bond. That we'd remain good friends. That we'd be friends to the end, as it were."  
"Yeah." Anna said.

"But…I guess that will never be. He acts like us getting together was some kind of great betrayal. I never meant for it to be. But who knows if his feelings about that are sincere."  
"I don't think they are." Anna said.

"Well, maybe they are. But the thing is, I made that choice long, long ago. And I chose you." He looked at her. "I chose to be with you. And I'm glad I did, because I know that you and I….well, you're the best thing that ever happened to me."  
Anna squeezed his hand.

"Karen too. So I know that our love was worth it. But I'll never.." He swallowed hard. "Jason and I will probably never reconcile. Maybe he would have treated me that way anyway, but I realize now, that our chance of reconciliation is almost nonexistent. And I have to live with that. He and I will probably never be close as adults, as I'd hoped before."

"Yeah." she said.

"And that really hurts, when I think about it. It'll never stop hurting, because, when he was a little boy, he did like me. And not many people did. Most people I'd met did not treat me very well, but he did. He was a wonderful little boy.." He took Anna's "But I'll never be sorry I married you. Not ever."

"I'll never be sorry, either." Anna said. "The three of us have everything here, just by having each other."  
"We really do." said Bill. "And I guess Jason and I won't be friends to the end." Bill paused, sniffling. He looked at Anna.

"But we'll always be family." he added.


End file.
